This is for you

In case in the future you get to read this, know that I wrote this for you.

Do you still recall the day that you left?

That day that you walked out for good. I still do, It always seems to be as fresh as if it just happened yesterday, I have to admit that compared to anything else in this lifetime that it was the most painful experience in my life. Far more than all the other unfortunate things

People usually measure pain in the scale of 1-10 and in the hospital 10 being highest means that there is nothing greater than it. And when you left you were my 10 in the scale. In my years of living there has been so many situations where I can clearly say that pain is painful, but bearable and no matter what I knew that ill be ok in time. Unfortunately the fact that you were a 10 means this was beyond the definition of pain that I knew, it transcended from being just emotional to something beyond mental and physical.

So how did you become the 10?

It was simple, I never allowed myself to be as close to the truth as i did with you and Ironically you left me because of the “truth”

You left me when I didn’t have anything. I was broke, had no job, had a hard time finding a job that would “suit” the preferred lifestyle that you can be proud of, had issues from the past , had to deal with family that was falling apart, couldn’t fit in a specific “mold “that i had to be in, at same time in a dress size i couldn’t achieve.

I hated myself. I couldn’t even grieve or let it all out because I was so spent in everything. I was more of a mess than I ever was – sleepless nights, sudden unreasonable bursts of tears, a developed fear of certain spaces, and spacing out occasionally because I keep on telling myself why couldn’t I just be normal. Hate to say it but I kinda went back to that place of pretending.

I took to my head that I must only go out with people who was as messed up as I am with the hopes that maybe they would accept me, only to figure out that I couldn’t do it because I turned into this narcissistic judgemental bitch who overvalued herself and so I basically turned into you. What I did next was everything possible I thought was going to teach me how to value and love myself.

I travelled every chance I could to everywhere I can go, took retreats, took classes, tried to learn new skills, but I stopped. Because by doing all of these it only enabled me to further cover up the things i didn’t want to deal with or remember. Its not that I have not moved on, I just have not recovered from it.

On your birthday last year I wanted to throw you a party, one where I wont be in, I tried asking for help from everyone even your closest friends, they all looked at me with pity or stayed quiet as if i did not exist. but that wasn’t what I wanted, they just did not understand why I needed to do it. And from there the feeling of rejection grew even more.  But It did not stop there, There were still the days when your sister would message me, or when I was finally denied of being able to speak to the boys. and of course there is also the case of me being blocked by your mother and everyone else just like that.  At this point I can hear you say “ why are you forcing yourself to us?”  And I have this to answer back, If I was then you would see me everywhere and I would constantly try to reach you and I never did that not even once.

You should have just murdered me.- but then again you already did anyway (just not physically.)

It took me several attempts to write this and every single time I would I had to redo it over and over again. Because the words could never seem to be enough, and i know for a fact that this could be the closest thing possible to me being able to say this all out loud. My most recent trip made me force myself to finish this. Because I retraced the steps we took when you first brought me to your hometown, I went to every place I could remember in the city in hopes of me being able to pick pieces of myself up – in case i lost some of it there. We all cant face our fears if we don’t go through it and quite obviously my idea of fear has become you.

Well I should tell you how much damage I gained emotionally and mentally, I thought being called names was one thing but being called out as someone with a mental disorder was another thing, You would always tell me that I was doomed to be like my parents or that I will be no one, – or at least someone not good enough for anyone’s standard because I don’t have a stellar childhood or because I just didn’t seem to have enough potential for anything – but then again you would always say otherwise when you are in a good mood. Or whenever you would says things so mean and painful that I would be so confused on what I will believe, You have no idea how scared I would be because I really did not know how much more I could take. These words seems to suddenly have a life of its own and turned into a monster that always creeps up behind me to whisper things to my ear. And no matter what you would tell me I would believe it. 

All that I am –  to which every single piece of me you know seemed to be so insignificant that I should have just placed myself in the garbage because I couldn’t do anything right. I don’t even know how many times I had to apologize for being who I am, how many wishes I had to say out to the universe hoping I could have had at least altered some things in my life to be able to be who you wanted me to be.

And all the times I had to beg, – I HAD TO BEG, how could I let someone just walk all over me without me realizing it. How could I allow someone to just take what was left of me and tear it up more. And what hurts the most is the fact is still hear you telling me that I don’t have to be alone anymore and yet here I am ALONE.

What I do not understand is that despite all  why the hell do I still love you? No matter how I deduce everything and take out the equation of me and and the weight of my sanity it was still all about me loving you wholeheartedly. Do you even know what it’s like to be in my shoes? Have you taken the time to truly understand what life is like for me? This is not a statement to call out “woe is me” but do you really know what it was like to be abused and abandoned? Have to cried yourself to sleep everyday for years waiting for some goddamn miracle? Have you waited everyday for someone who will never come back? have you had your childhood stolen from you? I know you also had the tough days and believe me my heart goes out to you and how I wish i could just take all that pain away from you 

I never men’t to be such a loser in your eyes. I also never men’t to be such a shame for you to be with. I just really wish you did not abandon me. I wish you didn’t let your ego get over everything else because now I am no longer capable of  loving deeply.

I know it was never easy to be with me or love me, and I know how you struggled to at least try to work things out. And I’m very thankful, All of this was not your fault we were both just not ment to finish the story. We both just didn’t know how to handle each other or deal with each other’s issues to the point that it just broke us even further from each other. We wanted different things, lead different lives. I know that despite the madness you somehow loved me, and it was the most beautiful thing I have experienced. 

Because you are that one great love that I will know all my life. I still love you on the days you were kind and on the days that you are unrecognizable to me – that has never changed 

I will never wish you ill or harm, But I wish you all the love that you can have, and all the understanding of how the world is. That there are people who isn’t as fortunate as you are and that its not our job to change people to place them in pedestals  but it is our job to help them be better. And no matter how much disappointments or hurt we both have cost each other I hope that in the end at back of your head you would still remember the days that we understood how love was and what really mattered. I have so many stories I want to tell you, so many things I want to share like my dog who turned one!

My life will never be the same and Im happy that you came along all this happened for a reason, Thank you for being that catalyst. I still thank God for you 

I will always love you. and you will always have the biggest piece of my heart. 

Holy of the Weeks.

One of the holidays that we observe is the holy week (Maundy Thursday to Easter Sunday) but this time we are supposed to take time to reflect on the life of Jesus and such.

But these days not everyone observes that anymore.

Take my case for instance. Instead of staying in at home or being somewhere. I am at work.

And based on the belief it does not affect me much anymore as well.  I just find it amusing because these are the days where I do not experience excessive traffic because everyone is out of town but at the same time everything is closed.

Nowadays no one really observes these holidays anymore not unless if its for convenience.

Is the world really too busy for these? Or are we just ignoring it all?

Step one : Surrendering to the feeling

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They say that after a broken heart the best you could do is to “feel everything”

But with each passing night where I would cry I am still very thankful that I would wake up fine in the morning.  If there is one thing I will not change is being hopeful. I have surrendered to the feeling of overwhelming hurt and pain. I don’t want to fight it

I don’t need to fight it.

The NEXT Chapter

The next chapter happens as this is being written as i have not been able to diligently post back on the things that need to be posted and the life events that needed to be shared. Only because I took into reason that ” I don’t have time”, or “I’m too busy” or “I’ll just do this later” or even the incidents like “I don’t have internet connection right now”. And because of all of those excuses that I had and the  excessive number of times I have chosen to procrastinate here I am over a year later with a bunch of unedited drafts and a boring blog that I now need to revive for the sake of diversion.

I don’t recall the emotions I had whilst wring the old posts that have been left in the draft. I know there should be some significance to what you were feeling as to what you were writing, but because I went dormant on this writing thing I don’t know where to continue it anymore.

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Over the past year so many things has happened. So many events, so many people who came and have gone, for some gone forever. gained weight. lost weight, and gained it all back again.( hahahahahah) I was so close to meeting that man who made my heart skip a beat when I was a child but he turned out to be a total wuss and broke it even before we had the fairytale reunion haha. ( whatever you may call it) I also apparently almost crossed paths in the airport with the douche bag who broke my heart more than once within a two-year period. It was like I was in a period of suntan and total torture.

As of right now I’m currently employed by a company who has opted to stretch me to bits and throw me out the shark tank, I am in a location where all eyes are waiting for me to make a mistake,its like a dirt feast happening on a daily basis.  The last time I checked shark tanks only exists on aquariums. I also don’t think that I should waste my time pleasing everyone anymore. I am hoping though to be able to find a normal job with normal working hours. maybe that will help me take the toxicity out. That would possible be the addition of being a better me.

So here I am ranting and being thankful at the same time for everything that has passed over the most recent year and a half that I have not jotted down. I don’t many things right at the first time so I’m sure that a lot of what I have done and written down are mistakes I have made or have repeated, However what is life going to be like if we don’t  try again?

Try again till you get it right.

Right now I am looking forward to the next of everything. whether I will lose weight or not, whether I will find my prince of sarcasm or not, whether I live a life full of caffeine and cigarettes . No one ever said it was going to be easy but it does not mean it going to be that hard.

Take the Risk

My definition of risk taker may be different than yours.

I don’t jump out of planes. I am not a world traveler. And for some reason, my wardrobe is filled with a lot of grey and black (I’m working on this one).

But I definitely believe in emotional risk taking – noticing myself on a daily basis – my challenges, my issues, my triggers.  It’s not always pretty, but I notice.

I watch myself closely.  When I feel fear, anxiety, defensiveness, envy, all the normal human emotions, my first question is, why?  What am I afraid of, what do I think it means, where does it all stem from? And usually the answer goes something like this:  I’m afraid of being rejected. I’m afraid that who I am is wrong. I’m afraid I’ll be alone.

Yikes, and yikes, but that’s usually the bottom-line truth for me.  At the same time, I know it’s not “the truth” at all – these are just old wounds and pain that started as love and got all tangled up in misperception and misunderstanding somewhere along the way.

And then they became fear – fear that who I am is not good enough, fear of being disconnected.

We humans need connection – we want to feel connected to ourselves and others (see me, hear me, love me, and let me do the same for you!), but sometimes, when we are feeling disconnected, we pretend we don’t care, we pretend it doesn’t matter, we pretend it’s somebody else’s fault, we pretend, we pretend, we pretend.

Or, we want the connection so badly, we pretend to be someone that we are not – we say things we don’t believe, we say yes to things we don’t want to do, we pretend social perception is more important than self-respect.

And that pretending is so painful.  It squashes what’s real, it ruins our moments and it gives away our power.  This is what we do when we are not watching ourselves closely; this is what we do when we are moving through life on autopilot.

We have to be brave enough to take risks, and we have to trust that these risks will pay off.  Not because everyone will like it, not because it’s always easy, and not because mistakes will never be made.

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Risking to be yourself will pay off because you will feel good inside.  You will feel calm, full and intact, rather than empty.  That “hole” you feel inside? That “thing” you think is missing?  That’s just the holey-thing that is trying to remind you to be yourself.  Yourself is trying to help yourself.

And when you are taking the risk to be yourself, you not only feel good, people like your presence.  They may not have words for why they like your presence; you are just a good presence to be around.  So while it’s true that some may no longer “get you”, the ones who do “get you” will like you even more.

So why do risk takers take risks? Because there is a natural high that comes from risk taking – just ask the people who race cars or jump off cliffs.

Just the same, there is a natural high that comes from being vulnerable, taking responsibility, and telling the truth about how we feel or who we are in any given moment.

These are the risks we fear most – but when taken, we experience true connection and the natural high of being alive.

Radical Loving

As you begin to accept yourself totally even those parts of yourself that you judge or think are “bad” will heal in the space of love, compassion, and acceptance.
Judging yourself is easy. But it takes real courage to love yourself radically.

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To love yourself radically is to not only love just the parts of you that you like, but also the parts that you don’t like.

What parts of yourself have you been judging?
What if you committed to loving that?
What if you committed to loving even the part of you that “can’t” love?

It’s in loving radically that you set yourself free.

It’s time.

Love.Now