Holy of the Weeks.

One of the holidays that we observe is the holy week (Maundy Thursday to Easter Sunday) but this time we are supposed to take time to reflect on the life of Jesus and such.

But these days not everyone observes that anymore.

Take my case for instance. Instead of staying in at home or being somewhere. I am at work.

And based on the belief it does not affect me much anymore as well.  I just find it amusing because these are the days where I do not experience excessive traffic because everyone is out of town but at the same time everything is closed.

Nowadays no one really observes these holidays anymore not unless if its for convenience.

Is the world really too busy for these? Or are we just ignoring it all?

Step one : Surrendering to the feeling



They say that after a broken heart the best you could do is to “feel everything”

But with each passing night where I would cry I am still very thankful that I would wake up fine in the morning.  If there is one thing I will not change is being hopeful. I have surrendered to the feeling of overwhelming hurt and pain. I don’t want to fight it

I don’t need to fight it.

An open letter to the guy I had second thoughts about.

I thought the last time I’d say yes to doing crazy things was when I was with Doods, But then again I kinda realized that I do crazy things anyway.

Last night while waiting my hands were shaking and my heart was pounding. Not because of excitement but because I was anxious. I had no Idea what was going through your head and what you were feeling, and I know for a fact that you did not want to share it. The fact that it took so long before you could answer back to me ment that silence was the better response. I could have stood up and gone home. But the sight of you comforts me in a way I don’t understand.

I know for a fact that after last night there will be no more 3am conversations or late night dinners. There will also be no more waiting or hoping that you’ll join. No more reasons to make excuses at home to leave in the middle of the night when I should just be tucked in bed and sleeping to recover for the week that drove me crazy. I guess that it was just all about companionship and the fact that you were the closest to what I define as a man and it drove my senses dumb.

I thought that secretly holding hands under the table and stealing kisses was all worth it, because it fed the attention that I craved for.

Thank you for letting me experience new things that I was never open to before. For making me know what it feels like to have a kid for my own even just for a day I was happy beyond words but my heart was so broken by the time i had to say goodbye. Everything is limited or borrowed. But maybe that’s where the charm is.

I wished that everything did not have to be half held.

Cest La Vie Les Etoiles

The NEXT Chapter

The next chapter happens as this is being written as i have not been able to diligently post back on the things that need to be posted and the life events that needed to be shared. Only because I took into reason that ” I don’t have time”, or “I’m too busy” or “I’ll just do this later” or even the incidents like “I don’t have internet connection right now”. And because of all of those excuses that I had and the  excessive number of times I have chosen to procrastinate here I am over a year later with a bunch of unedited drafts and a boring blog that I now need to revive for the sake of diversion.

I don’t recall the emotions I had whilst wring the old posts that have been left in the draft. I know there should be some significance to what you were feeling as to what you were writing, but because I went dormant on this writing thing I don’t know where to continue it anymore.


Over the past year so many things has happened. So many events, so many people who came and have gone, for some gone forever. gained weight. lost weight, and gained it all back again.( hahahahahah) I was so close to meeting that man who made my heart skip a beat when I was a child but he turned out to be a total wuss and broke it even before we had the fairytale reunion haha. ( whatever you may call it) I also apparently almost crossed paths in the airport with the douche bag who broke my heart more than once within a two-year period. It was like I was in a period of suntan and total torture.

As of right now I’m currently employed by a company who has opted to stretch me to bits and throw me out the shark tank, I am in a location where all eyes are waiting for me to make a mistake,its like a dirt feast happening on a daily basis.  The last time I checked shark tanks only exists on aquariums. I also don’t think that I should waste my time pleasing everyone anymore. I am hoping though to be able to find a normal job with normal working hours. maybe that will help me take the toxicity out. That would possible be the addition of being a better me.

So here I am ranting and being thankful at the same time for everything that has passed over the most recent year and a half that I have not jotted down. I don’t many things right at the first time so I’m sure that a lot of what I have done and written down are mistakes I have made or have repeated, However what is life going to be like if we don’t  try again?

Try again till you get it right.

Right now I am looking forward to the next of everything. whether I will lose weight or not, whether I will find my prince of sarcasm or not, whether I live a life full of caffeine and cigarettes . No one ever said it was going to be easy but it does not mean it going to be that hard.

Take the Risk

My definition of risk taker may be different than yours.

I don’t jump out of planes. I am not a world traveler. And for some reason, my wardrobe is filled with a lot of grey and black (I’m working on this one).

But I definitely believe in emotional risk taking – noticing myself on a daily basis – my challenges, my issues, my triggers.  It’s not always pretty, but I notice.

I watch myself closely.  When I feel fear, anxiety, defensiveness, envy, all the normal human emotions, my first question is, why?  What am I afraid of, what do I think it means, where does it all stem from? And usually the answer goes something like this:  I’m afraid of being rejected. I’m afraid that who I am is wrong. I’m afraid I’ll be alone.

Yikes, and yikes, but that’s usually the bottom-line truth for me.  At the same time, I know it’s not “the truth” at all – these are just old wounds and pain that started as love and got all tangled up in misperception and misunderstanding somewhere along the way.

And then they became fear – fear that who I am is not good enough, fear of being disconnected.

We humans need connection – we want to feel connected to ourselves and others (see me, hear me, love me, and let me do the same for you!), but sometimes, when we are feeling disconnected, we pretend we don’t care, we pretend it doesn’t matter, we pretend it’s somebody else’s fault, we pretend, we pretend, we pretend.

Or, we want the connection so badly, we pretend to be someone that we are not – we say things we don’t believe, we say yes to things we don’t want to do, we pretend social perception is more important than self-respect.

And that pretending is so painful.  It squashes what’s real, it ruins our moments and it gives away our power.  This is what we do when we are not watching ourselves closely; this is what we do when we are moving through life on autopilot.

We have to be brave enough to take risks, and we have to trust that these risks will pay off.  Not because everyone will like it, not because it’s always easy, and not because mistakes will never be made.


Risking to be yourself will pay off because you will feel good inside.  You will feel calm, full and intact, rather than empty.  That “hole” you feel inside? That “thing” you think is missing?  That’s just the holey-thing that is trying to remind you to be yourself.  Yourself is trying to help yourself.

And when you are taking the risk to be yourself, you not only feel good, people like your presence.  They may not have words for why they like your presence; you are just a good presence to be around.  So while it’s true that some may no longer “get you”, the ones who do “get you” will like you even more.

So why do risk takers take risks? Because there is a natural high that comes from risk taking – just ask the people who race cars or jump off cliffs.

Just the same, there is a natural high that comes from being vulnerable, taking responsibility, and telling the truth about how we feel or who we are in any given moment.

These are the risks we fear most – but when taken, we experience true connection and the natural high of being alive.

Radical Loving

As you begin to accept yourself totally even those parts of yourself that you judge or think are “bad” will heal in the space of love, compassion, and acceptance.
Judging yourself is easy. But it takes real courage to love yourself radically.


To love yourself radically is to not only love just the parts of you that you like, but also the parts that you don’t like.

What parts of yourself have you been judging?
What if you committed to loving that?
What if you committed to loving even the part of you that “can’t” love?

It’s in loving radically that you set yourself free.

It’s time.