In case in the future you get to read this, know that I wrote this for you.
Do you still recall the day that you left?
That day that you walked out for good. I still do, It always seems to be as fresh as if it just happened yesterday, I have to admit that compared to anything else in this lifetime that it was the most painful experience in my life. Far more than all the other unfortunate things
People usually measure pain in the scale of 1-10 and in the hospital 10 being highest means that there is nothing greater than it. And when you left you were my 10 in the scale. In my years of living there has been so many situations where I can clearly say that pain is painful, but bearable and no matter what I knew that ill be ok in time. Unfortunately the fact that you were a 10 means this was beyond the definition of pain that I knew, it transcended from being just emotional to something beyond mental and physical.
So how did you become the 10?
It was simple, I never allowed myself to be as close to the truth as i did with you and Ironically you left me because of the “truth”
You left me when I didn’t have anything. I was broke, had no job, had a hard time finding a job that would “suit” the preferred lifestyle that you can be proud of, had issues from the past , had to deal with family that was falling apart, couldn’t fit in a specific “mold “that i had to be in, at same time in a dress size i couldn’t achieve.
I hated myself. I couldn’t even grieve or let it all out because I was so spent in everything. I was more of a mess than I ever was – sleepless nights, sudden unreasonable bursts of tears, a developed fear of certain spaces, and spacing out occasionally because I keep on telling myself why couldn’t I just be normal. Hate to say it but I kinda went back to that place of pretending.
I took to my head that I must only go out with people who was as messed up as I am with the hopes that maybe they would accept me, only to figure out that I couldn’t do it because I turned into this narcissistic judgemental bitch who overvalued herself and so I basically turned into you. What I did next was everything possible I thought was going to teach me how to value and love myself.
I travelled every chance I could to everywhere I can go, took retreats, took classes, tried to learn new skills, but I stopped. Because by doing all of these it only enabled me to further cover up the things i didn’t want to deal with or remember. Its not that I have not moved on, I just have not recovered from it.
On your birthday last year I wanted to throw you a party, one where I wont be in, I tried asking for help from everyone even your closest friends, they all looked at me with pity or stayed quiet as if i did not exist. but that wasn’t what I wanted, they just did not understand why I needed to do it. And from there the feeling of rejection grew even more. But It did not stop there, There were still the days when your sister would message me, or when I was finally denied of being able to speak to the boys. and of course there is also the case of me being blocked by your mother and everyone else just like that. At this point I can hear you say “ why are you forcing yourself to us?” And I have this to answer back, If I was then you would see me everywhere and I would constantly try to reach you and I never did that not even once.
You should have just murdered me.- but then again you already did anyway (just not physically.)
It took me several attempts to write this and every single time I would I had to redo it over and over again. Because the words could never seem to be enough, and i know for a fact that this could be the closest thing possible to me being able to say this all out loud. My most recent trip made me force myself to finish this. Because I retraced the steps we took when you first brought me to your hometown, I went to every place I could remember in the city in hopes of me being able to pick pieces of myself up – in case i lost some of it there. We all cant face our fears if we don’t go through it and quite obviously my idea of fear has become you.
Well I should tell you how much damage I gained emotionally and mentally, I thought being called names was one thing but being called out as someone with a mental disorder was another thing, You would always tell me that I was doomed to be like my parents or that I will be no one, – or at least someone not good enough for anyone’s standard because I don’t have a stellar childhood or because I just didn’t seem to have enough potential for anything – but then again you would always say otherwise when you are in a good mood. Or whenever you would says things so mean and painful that I would be so confused on what I will believe, You have no idea how scared I would be because I really did not know how much more I could take. These words seems to suddenly have a life of its own and turned into a monster that always creeps up behind me to whisper things to my ear. And no matter what you would tell me I would believe it.
All that I am – to which every single piece of me you know seemed to be so insignificant that I should have just placed myself in the garbage because I couldn’t do anything right. I don’t even know how many times I had to apologize for being who I am, how many wishes I had to say out to the universe hoping I could have had at least altered some things in my life to be able to be who you wanted me to be.
And all the times I had to beg, – I HAD TO BEG, how could I let someone just walk all over me without me realizing it. How could I allow someone to just take what was left of me and tear it up more. And what hurts the most is the fact is still hear you telling me that I don’t have to be alone anymore and yet here I am ALONE.
What I do not understand is that despite all why the hell do I still love you? No matter how I deduce everything and take out the equation of me and and the weight of my sanity it was still all about me loving you wholeheartedly. Do you even know what it’s like to be in my shoes? Have you taken the time to truly understand what life is like for me? This is not a statement to call out “woe is me” but do you really know what it was like to be abused and abandoned? Have to cried yourself to sleep everyday for years waiting for some goddamn miracle? Have you waited everyday for someone who will never come back? have you had your childhood stolen from you? I know you also had the tough days and believe me my heart goes out to you and how I wish i could just take all that pain away from you
I never men’t to be such a loser in your eyes. I also never men’t to be such a shame for you to be with. I just really wish you did not abandon me. I wish you didn’t let your ego get over everything else because now I am no longer capable of loving deeply.
I know it was never easy to be with me or love me, and I know how you struggled to at least try to work things out. And I’m very thankful, All of this was not your fault we were both just not ment to finish the story. We both just didn’t know how to handle each other or deal with each other’s issues to the point that it just broke us even further from each other. We wanted different things, lead different lives. I know that despite the madness you somehow loved me, and it was the most beautiful thing I have experienced.
Because you are that one great love that I will know all my life. I still love you on the days you were kind and on the days that you are unrecognizable to me – that has never changed
I will never wish you ill or harm, But I wish you all the love that you can have, and all the understanding of how the world is. That there are people who isn’t as fortunate as you are and that its not our job to change people to place them in pedestals but it is our job to help them be better. And no matter how much disappointments or hurt we both have cost each other I hope that in the end at back of your head you would still remember the days that we understood how love was and what really mattered. I have so many stories I want to tell you, so many things I want to share like my dog who turned one!
My life will never be the same and Im happy that you came along all this happened for a reason, Thank you for being that catalyst. I still thank God for you
I will always love you. and you will always have the biggest piece of my heart.