Unhappy Childhood

I used to  occupy the empty space of my bed with very  random object,so that at night I would feel like im sleeping beside someone
I would always think that a monster would just crawl up to me and pull me if I did not have a blanket on my foot.As I was growing up I realized there are no monsters in your closet.
I used to dance Ballet and wanted to be a Ballerina I would always be extra excited to go to my ballet classes and wanted to have my dancing shoes on all the time
But I gave up because of a bad teacher
I hated PTA’s, I knew that no one would attend,so I made up stories that my parents are travelling even if in reality they are not.
I have not forgiven my Father for leaving me.not that he left me because he just didnt want to but because he let himself die knowing that I will be alone with no choice but to be responsible for all his mess.
Im all grown up but I feel that I still have deserved to have a father.

I can’t believe that I have endured so many things growing up .Words are not enough to describe them.Every now and then I still feel the hurt and the anxiety.I don’t want to remember it,I don’t want to feel it.
Pain is only a retrospect of what has transpired.As cowardly as it may sound I am running away from these things I am running away from the past, but it seems that it continues to haunt me again and again.
The only way for you to be free is to forgive and accept….. Easier said than done.
Why is it so much easier to remember the past rather than dump it elsewhere and start again.

The past is a part you,It is something that is irreversible….
I don’t have the best childhood story it just consisted of secrets,lies,sadness and regrets.not to mention a huge amount of insecurity and rejection,
Thank God I have not killed myself on the process.even until now there are so many questions and too many things that was never explained
And because of this I have promised myself that if ever I would have children
I would do absolutely anything for them not to feel what I felt. I do not want to pass the Intense pain to a perfect child. I would never fight in front of them>…All I want them to know and feel is that they are loved.

I can’t say that I hate my years, I just wished it could have worked out in another way.
In a better way….Maybe then I would be  so pessimistic on things
Maybe there was no need for me to cry myself to sleep when I couldn’t bear it
Isn’t it funny just when we think that we are most capable enough to think like a mature person  unexpected events will always make us realize that we always have some growing up to do every single day.
Im sure Im not the only person with the unhappy childhood,at least I did not end up worthless
The reality is that maturity begins when you realize that everything you are and everything you will ever be is entirely up to you.

It’s up to you how you chase the boundaries…

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