A few people have already read my palm and read my future life through the cards. They all said the same thing.. I have not found the one, I am not sure if life just likes playing jokes on me but the next question or rather statement that they all said after the reading is ” have you ever truly fallen in love? ”
How in the world would you answer that question if you are really not sure?
I remember making posts about falling in and out of love so many times, getting hurt, but somehow in the back of my mind I would ask myself “when this all goes away will I still think the same way?” or “will I feel the same after this end”. No matter what you do you can never cheat yourself, Thinking that you actually are and getting away with it is total BS. No one can ever do that. Whenever I create posts about the past I get caught in retrospective it, all the emotions all bursts back and its like I could see it just as how it happened. Remembering and feeling those emotions again brings you to a level where you try to hold yourself still for a moment, you try to take control of those emotions. Have you ever burned yourself by accident? what if you suddenly saw someone who accidentally burned themself? Some part of you would feel that or think how it felt when you burned yourself. ( ok ok, maybe you don’t get it ). My friend said I was slightly neurotic and I used to think like this:
clean chalk board = sane students
Ever since I started school at 5 years old I have had an obsession with the teacher erasing the chalk board entirely. Most would rub the eraser around but leave stray lines and continue writing. I would stare at the stray lines and it would drive me crazy the remainder of the class. I would get hot and get headaches. I am 21 years and working, still nothing has changed.
I’m sure everyone else also is part neurotic.
So if they ask me if I have truly fallen love.I guess I should say no. But I do know how it feels to love. And I do know how it feels like to hurt.
The only difference is that I just have never really felt it all completely and it seems as if I start to I would only end up in silence and tears. Maybe that is only what I fear because I do not know what is in store for me, I maybe created with a crazy mind but it does not mean that I am willing to throw myself into the fire for something that I fear maybe irrelevant. Hey I also want to fall head over heels in love, someone once told me that we were created to find our other half . That we were all ment to look for the one who was ment for us the only question I have there is “what if I never find the one who was ment for me?” Am I then ment to eternally stay tormented to the fact that while everyone else goes on with their lives with their ‘destined partner’ I go on with the rest of my created life alone? I know that everyone has the freedom to choose and because of that I choose to simply just let things go as they normally do with a little caution. Maybe it has something to do with how life taught me that the word ‘love’ was all made up just like fairy tales. That it was made up to make you feel good even if the story had such a tragic ending , that the story was somehow twisted on the right way where it made the tragedy look like it was necessary for the story to end with pleasure.
He told me he loved me, with no questions and no regrets. But he never treated me like such.It was something beautiful but was nothing else except dysfunctional.
I’m not made to be a replacement of something or someone, I was ill with the thought of his coffee laced lips whispering reasons to my ears. Reasons to make the mind change.
I knew I have loved him,
But I’m not a toy.
So for now things will remain as how it was left. Up until I start seeing things in a whole different view. And yes it was never how it was supposed to be.