The NEXT Chapter

The next chapter happens as this is being written as i have not been able to diligently post back on the things that need to be posted and the life events that needed to be shared. Only because I took into reason that ” I don’t have time”, or “I’m too busy” or “I’ll just do this later” or even the incidents like “I don’t have internet connection right now”. And because of all of those excuses that I had and the  excessive number of times I have chosen to procrastinate here I am over a year later with a bunch of unedited drafts and a boring blog that I now need to revive for the sake of diversion.

I don’t recall the emotions I had whilst wring the old posts that have been left in the draft. I know there should be some significance to what you were feeling as to what you were writing, but because I went dormant on this writing thing I don’t know where to continue it anymore.

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Over the past year so many things has happened. So many events, so many people who came and have gone, for some gone forever. gained weight. lost weight, and gained it all back again.( hahahahahah) I was so close to meeting that man who made my heart skip a beat when I was a child but he turned out to be a total wuss and broke it even before we had the fairytale reunion haha. ( whatever you may call it) I also apparently almost crossed paths in the airport with the douche bag who broke my heart more than once within a two-year period. It was like I was in a period of suntan and total torture.

As of right now I’m currently employed by a company who has opted to stretch me to bits and throw me out the shark tank, I am in a location where all eyes are waiting for me to make a mistake,its like a dirt feast happening on a daily basis.  The last time I checked shark tanks only exists on aquariums. I also don’t think that I should waste my time pleasing everyone anymore. I am hoping though to be able to find a normal job with normal working hours. maybe that will help me take the toxicity out. That would possible be the addition of being a better me.

So here I am ranting and being thankful at the same time for everything that has passed over the most recent year and a half that I have not jotted down. I don’t many things right at the first time so I’m sure that a lot of what I have done and written down are mistakes I have made or have repeated, However what is life going to be like if we don’t  try again?

Try again till you get it right.

Right now I am looking forward to the next of everything. whether I will lose weight or not, whether I will find my prince of sarcasm or not, whether I live a life full of caffeine and cigarettes . No one ever said it was going to be easy but it does not mean it going to be that hard.

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Point of Reasoning.

So I was thinking,what if everything you did wrong in your life could be right in a blink of an eye?

What if everything that you said wrong could be changed?
What if every wrong action would be put into good?

What’s going to happen then? How will our perspectives change?
How will we be like?

How could our lives be like if some changes never happened? If some words were never said,if some lies had not covered up truths. In every life lived there will always be one path made to cover another,We all have our ideal worlds we’d love to live in, Worlds that revolve around Money,Fame and Power,Worlds that revolve only around society, and those kinds of stuff.
I honestly have never fully understood how the human mind works, Although I have studied it I have still found it hard to understand things from what they are. You could diagnose and give a pathway of thoughts but it does not really give you an actual answer, it mearly points to a highly possible direction and or point out the cause but never be able to predict the actual outcome.
Its like hypothetical bullshit.
But just does not sound or look like it.
Quite amusing actually,then it just drives you crazy
Just the same way as how easily some friends could exchange you for new ones in a snap. I guess maybe sometimes we just do things simply because we just wanted to be heard, or maybe we have a message we just couldn’t get through,then all the sudden the action turns into something that was highly misinterpreted. Then everything else just bursts out of control.Then all of the sudden you’re left alone,just alone because in their minds you are made of evil.(Or something like that nature). I think this is part of the growing up thing.,and if this is then Its a rocky one.I just hope that everything changes to the way it was ment to go.

She now belongs to heaven. ( for Lola Luming Part1 )

It was a thursday morning when I got the news, And I believe pretty much everyone is not interested to hear something most especially if its news of something either really sad or really depressing in nature. But then again who cares anyway.

Lola Luming died of cardiac arrest  at the very blessed age of 77, Just exactly the age that she wanted it to be,I have to be very honest that I have quite a few regrets on this simply because I have placed my work first. Work was my top priority next to family and friends, Yes it was wrong but I wanted to make sure that I could prove myself of my worth.

I got the news via twitter by my second dad Tito Stanley, And the second I found out the news I immediately called to find my way to her remains. So what if I haven’t slept yet, what went through my mind is the question “Why?” and “Why so sudden” I mean I just spoke to her a couple of weeks ago before leaving and we were even supposed to go out on a date. So on my way to the wake I was in a cab and the entire time I have nothing else but tears.(Until I figured out that I was uhmmm lost) So I called  another Tita of mine (Tita Heidi) and the first sentence i got was (Why Only NOW???) yes in direct context she was all kinda pissed but still loving and of course I had to explain my side of the case as to why. As soon as I arrived I was greeted by Tito Stan at the door of Lola’s chapel, And I couldn’t look at her. I didn’t have the courage to look over her coffin. Maybe because I didn’t want to shed more tears after the cab,I guess I was trying to maintain composure even If I obviously did not have any at that time, And one by one my the other members of my second family started to arrive, And those cousins of mine (practically everyone actually ) only had one comment when they saw me… (ang taba mo!) well yes I did gain 22 lbs in excess of my regular weight, But yeah I did change in width.(Yes I will go on a diet and go back to YOGA).On my first night during the wake I was asked to say a few words about lola, And I never realized how hard it would be to even talk or say some words in front of everyone. I would love to think that no matter how good you are in speaking to a crowd, When it comes to things involving people who you care about and who has been part of your life everything changes. The whole time i was stuttering and crying and laughing from time to time like I was a mad bitch or something. But one thing I was very very sure of when I said it that Lola has taught me and has shown me how a family should be. And no matter how imperfect your family may be as long as you are all together that’s all that matters.

In my 21years of existence I owe 13 years of that to Lola and to my second family.

I used to remember lola telling me that I need to make sure to take good care of my legs. ( she probably assumed that I would grow to a height of at least 5’4 or higher like my other Tita’s , unfortunately I have stopped growing to a height of 4’10, Maybe lola should have considered my gene line) And all  those nights that I would fall asleep while she was telling me stories about things in life that I should and would expect and what I should do in case that time comes.She was a great person who had nothing else but the thought of trying to do good for others,Probably to the point of forgetting herself. At the very least it was good that she has lived a full life, has accomplished pretty much everything she wanted in life

But just like what Tito Meng said in time we will see you in Heaven, till then we will go on with our lives and keep your memory with us as we go along, I hope you watch over all of us Lola.

New Year and some sort of other stuff the word “Chicky” and some other blah

It’s the 3rd of January of the new year, I’m sitting with my brothers watching 500 days of summer at 1:02am in the morning. I wonder how everyone else spent celebrating the big NYE. As far I know I was stuck along with 52 other workmates in our work space still doing BAU. The only difference I was that the queue on the phones was higher than usual.And the day ended just like any other normal day too, I guess the only special thing there was is the fireworks that lasted for more or less 45 mins.( hey everyone is saving money you know,so the lesser fireworks the lesser money spent). The first day of the new year was not so different too, I got a lousy cab driver to get me home,who by the way complained like a bitch about everything.

So I then decided to clean my room. I was able to accomplish it, however I had to leave my clothes on the side because I no longer have any space for them in my existing wardrobe closet,(eventually when my place gets done I will make sure  I get a walk in closet.a big one!!!!) So that I would not have any problems fitting my clothes and shoes in one area where I would not misplace them.,,,Anyway so much for me and dilemma for space. During dinner with the brothers they started to incorporate the whole word “chicky” in every chance they get, and I mean very freakin” chance they get..para lang masabi yung word siguro.sooooo CHICKY!!!  Another thing that was strikingly odd was the email I have received a little after NYE,It was from Alex and what he said in the email was ” As much as I love another,I realized I love myself more” …….What in the world are you supposed to answer that with???? I tried to make my damn NYE resolutions (which I know half won’t be accomplished) and one of those would be working on my sarcasm.

But Alex wtf was that?That was an asshole statement for a guy who never proved how love crosses boundaries,What can you expect then from people who worry too much about the things that do not really matter as much as their own lives.

Maybe I was just unlucky in these things,or maybe I just have wrong choices, that I somehow tried to believe that my expectations would turn into reality.

But hey no one has got it all right? The year is young and the days will fly by fast who knows what sorts of stuff I will be getting into.

Happy New Year

P.S

Alex grow-up dude. I’m not an idiot you know.

Choices

We are the lot of unfair creatures

We were always given a choice it was only a matter which or what to pick, However this is where indecisiveness comes in. With whatever we pick there will always be a consequence or there will always be a following action to whatever you choose, the outcome could be either beneficial or destructive depending on how you take on things.

We all have this habit of finding that loophole to blame when we fail to pick the better option, We would always with no doubt find a reason why it should not be how it’s supposed to be (talk about finding a sense of explanation). And if things go wrong we blame the universe and everything that conspires it, not realizing that this is an outcome of the initial action that we have decided upon. The universe has nothing to do with your mind’s decision, The universe simply acts upon what we have decided to do.

I was never good in making choices. I was always the one who rushed into things and would only wait for the consequences to arrive, It may have something to do with age however I always was as carefree as the wind.Not considering the effects it may bring. In my world it was always “que sera” . But as time passes by and things within my world change the perspectives that I have about change continues to grow,It would sometime be wonderful or disastrous.

May it be with work,life ,love or my relationship to people and everyone i consider a part of my “universe” I never ran out of choices, I am at times foolish enough to let myself believe that I have no other options. Because I do, it’s just sometimes I choose not to see it. Sometimes everything is indeed easier said than done, but as long as I continue to be me and moving on to evolve myself into a better person then I guess at the end of the day it will still be ok.

Everyone has their own perspective of things and how choices are sent to their place, But like what Patrick said “If  it’s not alright, It’s not the end”

10 things one must know to avoid messing up thier lives…(according to me,and applicable to me as well)

 No I am not giving instructions on how one should live. I mean we all have so many thing to think about and do and the last thing we could be busy on is how to give instructions to another on how they should work their lives..(and besides who are f*^&$%^ hell are we to tell them what to do right?)

We all love to be such a negist (at some point or another) but it really does not help us, regardless if you think it does or not.maybe its just everyone’s way of coping up or releasing a form of stress. Hey were all human made of emotions and feelings.(feelings that sometimes gets the best of us.) but then again its up to us how we truly want things to work out.

 So here are the 10 things one must know to further avoid messing up their lives.(or so I think)

Stop taking so much notice of how you feel. – How you feel is how you feel. It’ll pass soon. What you’re thinking is what you’re thinking. It’ll go too. Tell yourself that whatever you feel, you feel; whatever you think, you think. Since you can’t stop yourself thinking, or prevent emotions from arising in your mind, it makes no sense to be proud or ashamed of either. You didn’t cause them. Only your actions are directly under your control. They’re the only proper cause of pleasure or shame.

Let go of worrying.  – It often makes things worse. The more you think about something bad, the more likely it is to happen. When you’re hair-trigger primed to notice the first sign of trouble, you’ll surely find something close enough to convince yourself its come.

Ease up on the internal life commentary. – If you want to be happy, stop telling yourself you’re miserable. People are always telling themselves how they feel, what they’re thinking, what others feel about them, what this or that event really means. Most of its imagination. The rest is equal parts lies and misunderstandings. You have only the most limited understanding of what others feel about you. Usually they’re no better informed on the subject; and they care about it far less than you do. You have no way of knowing what this or that event really means. Whatever you tell yourself will be make-believe.

Take no notice of your inner critic. – Judging yourself is pointless. Judging others is half-witted. Whatever you achieve, someone else will always do better. However bad you are, others are worse. Since you can tell neither what’s best nor what’s worst, how can you place yourself correctly between them? Judging others is foolish since you cannot know all the facts, cannot create a reliable or objective scale, have no means of knowing whether your criteria match anyone else’s, and cannot have more than a limited and extremely partial view of the other person. Who cares about your opinion anyway?

Give up on feeling guilty. – Guilt changes nothing. It may make you feel you’re accepting responsibility, but it can’t produce anything new in your life. If you feel guilty about something you’ve done, either do something to put it right or accept you screwed up and try not to do so again. Then let it go. If you’re feeling guilty about what someone else did, see a psychiatrist. That’s insane.

Stop being concerned what the rest of the world says about you. –  Nasty people can’t make you mad. Nice people can’t make you happy. Events or people are simply events or people. They can’t make you anything. You have to do that for yourself. Whatever emotions arise in you as a result of external events, they’re powerless until you pick them up and decide to act on them. Besides, most people are far too busy thinking about themselves (and worry what you are thinking and saying about them) to be concerned about you.

Stop keeping score – Numbers are just numbers. They don’t have mystical powers. Because something is expressed as a number, a ratio or any other numerical pattern doesn’t mean it’s true. Plenty of lovingly calculated business indicators are irrelevant, gibberish, nonsensical, or just plain wrong. If you don’t understand it, or it’s telling you something bizarre, ignore it. There’s nothing scientific about relying on false data. Nor anything useful about charting your life by numbers that were silly in the first place.

Don’t be concerned that your life and career aren’t working out the way you planned. – The closer you stick to any plan, the quicker you’ll go wrong. The world changes constantly. However carefully you analyzed the situation when you made the plan, if it’s more than a few days old, things will already be different. After a month, they’ll be very different. After a year, virtually nothing will be the same as it was when you started. Planning is only useful as a discipline to force people to think carefully about what they know and what they don’t. Once you start, throw the plan away and keep your eyes on reality.

Don’t let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decisions. – To hold yourself responsible for someone else’s success and happiness demeans them and proves you’ve lost the plot. It’s their life. They have to live it. You can’t do it for them; nor can you stop them from messing it up if they’re determined to do so. The job of a supervisor is to help and supervise. Only control-freaks and some others with a less serious mental disability fail to understand this.

Don’t worry about your personality. –  You don’t really have one. Personality, like ego, is a concept invented by your mind. It doesn’t exist in the real world. Personality is a word for the general impression that you give through your words and actions. If your personality isn’t likeable today, don’t worry. You can always change it, so long as you allow yourself to do so. What fixes someone’s personality in one place is a determined effort on their part—usually through continually telling themselves they’re this or that kind of person and acting on what they say. If you don’t like the way you are, make yourself different. You’re the only person who’s standing in your way.

Starfish

July 18,2010

I woke up pretty early just before sunrise to walk by the beach’s edge while there still isn’t too many people around. As I moved through the misty dawn, I focused on a faint, far away motion. I saw a little boy, bending and reaching and flailing arms, dancing on the beach,I just thought he was happy to be there.(not really sure if I was tripping or thinking.)

As I approached, I sadly realized that the boy was not dancing to the bay, but rather bending to sift through the debris left by the night’s tide, stopping now and then to pick up a starfish and then standing, to heave it back into the sea. I asked the boy what was the point of picking them up and throwing them back “The tide has washed the starfish onto the beach and they cannot return to the sea by themselves,” the boy then said “When the sun rises, they will die, unless I throw them back to the sea.” As the little boy explained, I surveyed the vast expanse of beach, stretching in both directions beyond my sight. Starfish littered the shore in numbers beyond calculation. The hopelessness of the boy’s plan became clear to me and I countered, “But there are more starfish on this beach than you can ever save before the sun is up. Surely you cannot expect to make a difference.” The boy paused briefly to consider my words, bent to pick up a starfish and threw it as far as possible. Turning to me he simply said, “I made a difference to that one.” I left the boy and went home, deep in thought of what the boy had said But I couldn’t stop thinking of the things that little boy said so I returned to the beach and spent the rest of the morning helping the boy throw starfish in to the sea. The boy couldn’t have been more than 6 but it was as if he was as wise a man beyond his years.

Makes you wonder how sometimes you tend to overlook things people because you have too many things on your plate.