This is for you

In case in the future you get to read this, know that I wrote this for you.

Do you still recall the day that you left?

That day that you walked out for good. I still do, It always seems to be as fresh as if it just happened yesterday, I have to admit that compared to anything else in this lifetime that it was the most painful experience in my life. Far more than all the other unfortunate things

So how did you become the factor for the most painful life experience I know?

It was simple, I never allowed myself to be as close to the truth as i did with you and Ironically you left me because of the “truth”

You left me when I didn’t have anything. I was broke, had no job, had a hard time finding a job that would “suit” the preferred lifestyle that you can be proud of, had issues from the past , had to deal with family that was falling apart, couldn’t fit in a specific “mold “that i had to be in, at same time in a dress size i couldn’t achieve.

I hated myself. I couldn’t even grieve or let it all out because I was so spent in everything. I was more of a mess than I ever was – sleepless nights, days where I just want to stay in bed and never go out anymore, sudden unreasonable bursts of tears, agressiveness and anger over so many things and so many people, a developed fear of certain spaces, and spacing out occasionally because I keep on telling myself why couldn’t I just be normal. Hate to say it but I kinda went back to that place of pretending.

I told myself that I must only go out with people who was as messed up as I am with the hopes that maybe they would accept me, only to figure out that I couldn’t do it because I turned into this narcissistic judgemental bitch who overvalued herself. For a lack of a better term I have turned into you.  So for me not to be fully consumed of  what I have turned into I did everything possible I thought was going to teach me how to value and love myself better.

I travelled every chance I could to everywhere I can go, took retreats, took classes, tried to learn new skills, but I stopped. Because doing all of these only enabled me to further cover up the things I didn’t want to deal with or remember. It’s not that I have not moved on, I just have not recovered from it.

On your birthday last year I wanted to throw you a party, one where I wont be in, I tried asking for help from everyone even your closest friends, they either looked at my message with pity or stayed quiet and ignored me as if i did not exist. but that wasn’t what I wanted, they just did not understand why I needed to do it. And from there the feeling of rejection grew even more.  But It did not stop there, There were still the days when your sister would message me, or when I was finally denied of being able to speak to the boys. and of course there is also the case of me being blocked by your mother and everyone else just like that.  At this point I can hear you say “ Joanna why are you forcing yourself to us, Why are you doing this, Why won’t you have decency for yourself?”  And I have this to answer back, If I was forcing myself then you would see me everywhere and I would constantly try to reach you and I never did that not even once.  I have released you as I release myself from the chains that I myself made when I met you. 

You should have just murdered me.- but then again you already did anyway (just not physically.)

It took me several attempts to write this and every single time I would, I had to redo it over and over again. Because the words could never seem to be enough, and the fact that this could be the closest thing possible for me being able to say this all out loud. My most recent trip forced myself to finish this. Because all I did was retrace the steps we took when you brought me there. I went to every place I could remember in the city in hopes of me being able to pick pieces of myself up – in case I lost some of it there. We all cant face our fears if we don’t go through it and quite obviously my idea of fear has become you.

I should now tell you how much damage I gained emotionally and mentally, I thought being called names was one thing but being called out as someone with a mental disorder was another thing, You would always tell me that I was doomed to be like my parents, or that I will be no one, – or at least someone not good enough for anyone’s standard because I don’t have a stellar childhood or because I just didn’t seem to have enough potential for anything – but then again you would always say otherwise when you are in a good mood. Or whenever you would say things so mean and painful that I would be so confused on what I will believe, You have no idea how scared I would be because I really did not know how much more I could take. These words seem to suddenly have a life of its own and turned into a monster that always creeps up behind me to whisper things to my ear. And no matter what you would tell me I would believe it. 

All that I am –  to which every single piece of me you know seemed to be so insignificant with the way you criticise where I came from, my life choices and what I have done in my life like I should have just placed myself in the garbage because I couldn’t do anything right. I don’t even know how many times I had to apologize for being who I am, how many wishes I had to say out to the universe hoping I could have had at least altered some things in my life to be able to be who you wanted me to be.

And all the times I had to beg, – I HAD TO BEG, for you to accept me including how I look or how heavy I weigh, how could I let someone just walk all over me without me realizing it. How could I allow someone to just take what was left of me and tear it up more. And what hurts the most is the fact is still hear you telling me that I don’t have to be alone anymore and yet here I am ALONE.

By the end of it all I have lost myself.

What I do not understand is that despite all why the hell do I still feel love for you? No matter how I deduce everything and take out the equation of me and the weight of my sanity it was still all about me loving you wholeheartedly. Do you even know what it’s like to be in my shoes? Have you taken the time to truly understand what life is like for me? do you really know what it was like to be abused and abandoned? Have to cried yourself to sleep everyday for years waiting for some goddamn miracle? Have you waited everyday for someone who will never come back?

I just really wish you did not abandon me. I wish you didn’t let your ego get over everything else because it was what hurt me the most. I know it was never easy to be with me or love me, and I know how you struggled to at least try.  And I’m very thankful, We were both just really bad at this to try to finish the story. We both just didn’t know how to handle each other or deal with each other’s issues to the point that it just broke us even further from each other. I am sorry for everything, for hurting you in ways I couldn’t count and for the days I couldnt be truthful enough to trust you.

We wanted different things, to lead different lives. I know that despite the madness you somehow loved me, and it was the most beautiful thing I have experienced.

I would never wish you ill or harm, But I wish you all the love that you can have, and all the understanding of how the world is. That there are people who isn’t as fortunate as you are and that it’s not our job to change people to place them in pedestals  but it is our job to help them be better. And no matter how much disappointments or hurt we both have cost each other I hope that in the end at back of your head you would still remember the days that we understood how love was and what really mattered. 

           I will always love you. and you will always have the biggest piece of my heart. 

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Me and Nuns.

I used to do all sorts of stuff when I was a kid.

all sorts of stupid stuff that you could do inside the house. I was not really allowed to go out of my house when I was a kid I was all School, Ballet Classes, Piano Lessons and back home. The same routine every single day. We moved houses a lot so I moved schools a lot too. But the routine remained the same. But there was one  case before where I got expelled .This was during primary school, The school I used to go to was a all-girls school that was managed by nuns. ( Hey I don’t have anything against them.) so we had this activity wheer all the girls were assigned to clean the whole school and we have to bring cleaning materials along, While we were given the task me and my classmate decided to figure out how will we clean the area (we were 7 years old that time, I’m not really sure I knew house hold chores already ).We then decided to just dump all of the cleaning gunk in one area then figure out how to clean it from there. But the Nun who was assigned to look over our class ( Sister Julie)  saw us dump the whole gunk of cleaning solution and got mad.

 

She then approached us looking like she could tear out little body parts apart and feed them to the dogs…and because I got so scared I ended up pushing her to the utility cabinet ( which is pretty big) and closed the door, not knowing that the lock is only from the outside and she had no way of opening the door from the inside., After closing the door we ran for our little lives back then.  The Nun did not die..she got out of the area after 4 hours with the help of the maintenance guy of the school, and they called my Mum and Dad in and told them about what happened. Turns out that the poor nun had a horrible time screaming inside the cabinet. ( as far as i know she did not lose her mind.) So yeah I got scolded big time after the whole incident and had to move to a different school for the rest of the school year. They eventually accepted me back the following school year but I pleaded not to go back for fear of the nun.hahaahah.I mean it’s absolutely different when you go to a school where the teachers are nuns and every other adult you see inside the school premises are nuns..and imagine a school that was all creepy with lots of old walls and huge fields with no one walking and a play ground that was as silent as death.(the thought of the school still gives me the chills) I’m not really sure if that Nun has somehow banished my mere existence from her mind but I could just imagine how freaked and mad she was inside for the whole 4 hours that he was there..

P.s

Sister Julie I’m still sorry 🙂 (PPEEEEAACCCCEE>>>) but yeah you still scared the wits out of every little girl in school before including me.

Posthumus

This is one of the old creations of my friend.whom I dearly love to death. He creates beauty out of sorrow. Something not everyone can do.

The arrogance of you
to believe that the world is round
and that we could just argue in circles
and that i will never find a way out.
But you see, i’ve checked
and found an edge to this,
to us:
A precipice lined with sharp rocks
and angry words,
and thick tears that from your eyes fell slowly once
and hardened into stalactites,
sharp and cunning like little daggers.
I jump, knowing that i will likely be
mangled and dismembered
in the descent,
but then i should be so lucky
to have to be in pieces
to feel so whole.
I checked and realized
that i would prefer the edge of the world
over your viciously cyclical murders;
that i am fed up and could just jump off and out of the way.
The arrogance of you to force me into your theory.

The world is only round so long as i love you.
What then, now that i don’t?