This is for you

In case in the future you get to read this, know that I wrote this for you.

Do you still recall the day that you left?

That day that you walked out for good. I still do, It always seems to be as fresh as if it just happened yesterday, I have to admit that compared to anything else in this lifetime that it was the most painful experience in my life. Far more than all the other unfortunate things

People usually measure pain in the scale of 1-10 and in the hospital 10 being highest means that there is nothing greater than it. And when you left you were my 10 in the scale. In my years of living there has been so many situations where I can clearly say that pain is painful, but bearable and no matter what I knew that ill be ok in time. Unfortunately the fact that you were a 10 means this was beyond the definition of pain that I knew, it transcended from being just emotional to something beyond mental and physical.

So how did you become the 10?

It was simple, I never allowed myself to be as close to the truth as i did with you and Ironically you left me because of the “truth”

You left me when I didn’t have anything. I was broke, had no job, had a hard time finding a job that would “suit” the preferred lifestyle that you can be proud of, had issues from the past , had to deal with family that was falling apart, couldn’t fit in a specific “mold “that i had to be in, at same time in a dress size i couldn’t achieve.

I hated myself. I couldn’t even grieve or let it all out because I was so spent in everything. I was more of a mess than I ever was – sleepless nights, sudden unreasonable bursts of tears, a developed fear of certain spaces, and spacing out occasionally because I keep on telling myself why couldn’t I just be normal. And to make up for it I flash that smile and let out contagious laughter in front of everyone so that it covers up everything and no one has a clue where my head was at that moment. Hate to say it but I kinda went back to that place of pretending.

I took it to my head that I have to start seeing people who was a messed up as I am with the hopes that maybe they would accept me, only to figure out that I couldn’t do it because I turned into this narcissistic judgemental bitch who overvalued herself. And so i quit the idea of seeing people because I haven’t forgiven myself and of course there was a trail of blood involved. I projected everything I didn’t want into reality. And so what I did next was everything possible it thought was going to  teach me how to value and love myself.

I travelled every chance I could to everywhere I can go, took retreats, took classes, tried to learn new skills, but i also stopped. Because by doing all of these it only enabled me to further cover up the things i didn’t want to deal with or remember. Its not that I have not moved on, I just have not recovered from it.

On your birthday last year I wanted to throw you a party, one where I wont be in, I tried asking for help from everyone even your closest friends, they all looked at me with pity or stayed quiet as if i did not exist. but that wasn’t what I wanted, they just did not understand why I needed to do it. And from there the feeling of rejection grew even more.  But It did not stop there, There were still the days when your sister would message me, or when I was finally denied of being able to speak to the boys. and of course there is also the case of me being blocked by your mother and everyone else just like that.  At this point I can hear you say “ why are you forcing yourself to us?”  And I have this to answer back, If I was then you would see me everywhere and I would constantly try to reach you and I never did that not even once.

You should have just murdered me.- but then again you already did anyway (just not physically.)

It took me several attempts to write this and every single time I would I had to redo it over and over again. Because the words could never seem to be enough, and i know for a fact that this could be the closest thing possible to me being able to say this all out loud. My most recent trip made me force myself to finish this. Because I retraced the steps we took when you first brought me to your hometown, I went to every place I could remember in the city in hopes of me being able to pick pieces of myself up – in case i lost some of it there. We all cant face our fears if we don’t go through it and quite obviously my idea of fear has become you.

I know it was never easy to be with me or love me, and I know how you struggled to at least try to work things out. And I’m very thankful, All of this was not your fault we were both just not ment to finish the story. We both just didn’t know how to handle each other or deal with each other’s issues to the point that it just broke us even further from each other. I know that despite all the madness you loved me, and it was the most beautiful thing I have experienced. Because you are that one great love that I will know all my life. I still love you on the days you were kind and on the days that you are unrecognizable to me – that has never changed 

I will never wish you ill or harm, But I wish you all the love that you can have, and all the understanding of how the world is. That there are people who isn’t as fortunate as you are and that its not our job to change people but it is our job to help them be better. And no matter how much disappointments or hurt we both have cost each other I hope that in the end at back of your head you would still remember the days that we understood how love was and what really mattered. I have so many stories I want to tell you, so many things I want to share like my dog who turned one! My life will never be the same and Im happy that you came along all this happened for a reason, Thank you for being that catalyst.

I will always love you. and you will always have the biggest piece of my heart. 

Me and Nuns.

I used to do all sorts of stuff when I was a kid.

all sorts of stupid stuff that you could do inside the house. I was not really allowed to go out of my house when I was a kid I was all School, Ballet Classes, Piano Lessons and back home. The same routine every single day. We moved houses a lot so I moved schools a lot too. But the routine remained the same. But there was one  case before where I got expelled .This was during primary school, The school I used to go to was a all-girls school that was managed by nuns. ( Hey I don’t have anything against them.) so we had this activity wheer all the girls were assigned to clean the whole school and we have to bring cleaning materials along, While we were given the task me and my classmate decided to figure out how will we clean the area (we were 7 years old that time, I’m not really sure I knew house hold chores already ).We then decided to just dump all of the cleaning gunk in one area then figure out how to clean it from there. But the Nun who was assigned to look over our class ( Sister Julie)  saw us dump the whole gunk of cleaning solution and got mad.

 

She then approached us looking like she could tear out little body parts apart and feed them to the dogs…and because I got so scared I ended up pushing her to the utility cabinet ( which is pretty big) and closed the door, not knowing that the lock is only from the outside and she had no way of opening the door from the inside., After closing the door we ran for our little lives back then.  The Nun did not die..she got out of the area after 4 hours with the help of the maintenance guy of the school, and they called my Mum and Dad in and told them about what happened. Turns out that the poor nun had a horrible time screaming inside the cabinet. ( as far as i know she did not lose her mind.) So yeah I got scolded big time after the whole incident and had to move to a different school for the rest of the school year. They eventually accepted me back the following school year but I pleaded not to go back for fear of the nun.hahaahah.I mean it’s absolutely different when you go to a school where the teachers are nuns and every other adult you see inside the school premises are nuns..and imagine a school that was all creepy with lots of old walls and huge fields with no one walking and a play ground that was as silent as death.(the thought of the school still gives me the chills) I’m not really sure if that Nun has somehow banished my mere existence from her mind but I could just imagine how freaked and mad she was inside for the whole 4 hours that he was there..

P.s

Sister Julie I’m still sorry 🙂 (PPEEEEAACCCCEE>>>) but yeah you still scared the wits out of every little girl in school before including me.

Posthumus

This is one of the old creations of my friend.whom I dearly love to death. He creates beauty out of sorrow. Something not everyone can do.

The arrogance of you
to believe that the world is round
and that we could just argue in circles
and that i will never find a way out.
But you see, i’ve checked
and found an edge to this,
to us:
A precipice lined with sharp rocks
and angry words,
and thick tears that from your eyes fell slowly once
and hardened into stalactites,
sharp and cunning like little daggers.
I jump, knowing that i will likely be
mangled and dismembered
in the descent,
but then i should be so lucky
to have to be in pieces
to feel so whole.
I checked and realized
that i would prefer the edge of the world
over your viciously cyclical murders;
that i am fed up and could just jump off and out of the way.
The arrogance of you to force me into your theory.

The world is only round so long as i love you.
What then, now that i don’t?