The NEXT Chapter

The next chapter happens as this is being written as i have not been able to diligently post back on the things that need to be posted and the life events that needed to be shared. Only because I took into reason that ” I don’t have time”, or “I’m too busy” or “I’ll just do this later” or even the incidents like “I don’t have internet connection right now”. And because of all of those excuses that I had and the  excessive number of times I have chosen to procrastinate here I am over a year later with a bunch of unedited drafts and a boring blog that I now need to revive for the sake of diversion.

I don’t recall the emotions I had whilst wring the old posts that have been left in the draft. I know there should be some significance to what you were feeling as to what you were writing, but because I went dormant on this writing thing I don’t know where to continue it anymore.

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Over the past year so many things has happened. So many events, so many people who came and have gone, for some gone forever. gained weight. lost weight, and gained it all back again.( hahahahahah) I was so close to meeting that man who made my heart skip a beat when I was a child but he turned out to be a total wuss and broke it even before we had the fairytale reunion haha. ( whatever you may call it) I also apparently almost crossed paths in the airport with the douche bag who broke my heart more than once within a two-year period. It was like I was in a period of suntan and total torture.

As of right now I’m currently employed by a company who has opted to stretch me to bits and throw me out the shark tank, I am in a location where all eyes are waiting for me to make a mistake,its like a dirt feast happening on a daily basis.  The last time I checked shark tanks only exists on aquariums. I also don’t think that I should waste my time pleasing everyone anymore. I am hoping though to be able to find a normal job with normal working hours. maybe that will help me take the toxicity out. That would possible be the addition of being a better me.

So here I am ranting and being thankful at the same time for everything that has passed over the most recent year and a half that I have not jotted down. I don’t many things right at the first time so I’m sure that a lot of what I have done and written down are mistakes I have made or have repeated, However what is life going to be like if we don’t  try again?

Try again till you get it right.

Right now I am looking forward to the next of everything. whether I will lose weight or not, whether I will find my prince of sarcasm or not, whether I live a life full of caffeine and cigarettes . No one ever said it was going to be easy but it does not mean it going to be that hard.

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Point of Reasoning.

So I was thinking,what if everything you did wrong in your life could be right in a blink of an eye?

What if everything that you said wrong could be changed?
What if every wrong action would be put into good?

What’s going to happen then? How will our perspectives change?
How will we be like?

How could our lives be like if some changes never happened? If some words were never said,if some lies had not covered up truths. In every life lived there will always be one path made to cover another,We all have our ideal worlds we’d love to live in, Worlds that revolve around Money,Fame and Power,Worlds that revolve only around society, and those kinds of stuff.
I honestly have never fully understood how the human mind works, Although I have studied it I have still found it hard to understand things from what they are. You could diagnose and give a pathway of thoughts but it does not really give you an actual answer, it mearly points to a highly possible direction and or point out the cause but never be able to predict the actual outcome.
Its like hypothetical bullshit.
But just does not sound or look like it.
Quite amusing actually,then it just drives you crazy
Just the same way as how easily some friends could exchange you for new ones in a snap. I guess maybe sometimes we just do things simply because we just wanted to be heard, or maybe we have a message we just couldn’t get through,then all the sudden the action turns into something that was highly misinterpreted. Then everything else just bursts out of control.Then all of the sudden you’re left alone,just alone because in their minds you are made of evil.(Or something like that nature). I think this is part of the growing up thing.,and if this is then Its a rocky one.I just hope that everything changes to the way it was ment to go.

Please whisper a prayer to the big guy up there (For Lola Luming Part 2)

The funeral is over, Lola was laid to rest on a bright and sunny day, all the family members were there as well as friends who loved her and people whose lives were changed by her were there too,I can vividly remember the air suddenly growing really strong overshadowing the heat from the burning  Sun,that gust of wind blew around everyone it’s as if Lola was somehow hugging everyone.During the one of Lola’s service Pastor Raymond said something about what we should expect in life,that we are here to prepare for separation from this world in time for our reunion with the dear creator and our loved ones who have moved on to the next life,
I’m not really sure how it all works out, However eventually in time I will figure out,we will all figure it out.But till then the journey for everyone else continues.I’m pretty sure Lola has seen what was going on during her wake, how many people have sent her flowers (which by the way filled the whole chapel till the hallway to the next chapel, which ment she got a whole lot of flowers!), The words that were said by her dear children and grandchildren whom I all love dearly and the number of people who passed to pay their last respects. Of her 77 years she has worked her whole heart out to her passion, Something that she sought and continued till the day she died. She has always loved children,She always had the heart for them no matter where they came from,no matter how they were her mission was to teach them things that matter in life and teach them about the Lord.My Tita Let also told me to find my passion,find what I really really want, to not just get into things and just give it 20% but to find that one thing that I will give my 100% to she was right, Just like how Lola would say it.All that Lola Luming had in her heart are the good things that she wanted to share,She was no doubt a wonderful mother,grandmother, friend, companion and everything else.(It’s just the cooking part I’m not sure of 🙂 )
While peeking into her coffin for one last look,(for the record I have always been terrified of coffins and I had to be convinced by Tita Heidi to take a look at Lola one last time,and drag kuya JR along if I was scared) My mind went blank, just literally blank.Its like all my thoughts have suddenly evaporated and all I had left was THANK YOU FOR THE LOVE.


After she was laid to rest we had lots of balloons (purple balloons!) that was released to the sky during that bright sunny morning,While the balloons rose up in the air going to a direction that no one really knows, I remember another part of Tito Meng’s eulogy,that Lola no longer needs prayers,because she is happy with our creator, It’s us who were left here that need prayers on how we would continue our lives.
So Lola while you’re rockin up the skies,Please whisper a prayer to the Big Guy up there for all of us here we really need it.And yes we miss you dearly.
P.S If you happen to bump by Dad up there please tell him his little girl misses him too.

She now belongs to heaven. ( for Lola Luming Part1 )

It was a thursday morning when I got the news, And I believe pretty much everyone is not interested to hear something most especially if its news of something either really sad or really depressing in nature. But then again who cares anyway.

Lola Luming died of cardiac arrest  at the very blessed age of 77, Just exactly the age that she wanted it to be,I have to be very honest that I have quite a few regrets on this simply because I have placed my work first. Work was my top priority next to family and friends, Yes it was wrong but I wanted to make sure that I could prove myself of my worth.

I got the news via twitter by my second dad Tito Stanley, And the second I found out the news I immediately called to find my way to her remains. So what if I haven’t slept yet, what went through my mind is the question “Why?” and “Why so sudden” I mean I just spoke to her a couple of weeks ago before leaving and we were even supposed to go out on a date. So on my way to the wake I was in a cab and the entire time I have nothing else but tears.(Until I figured out that I was uhmmm lost) So I called  another Tita of mine (Tita Heidi) and the first sentence i got was (Why Only NOW???) yes in direct context she was all kinda pissed but still loving and of course I had to explain my side of the case as to why. As soon as I arrived I was greeted by Tito Stan at the door of Lola’s chapel, And I couldn’t look at her. I didn’t have the courage to look over her coffin. Maybe because I didn’t want to shed more tears after the cab,I guess I was trying to maintain composure even If I obviously did not have any at that time, And one by one my the other members of my second family started to arrive, And those cousins of mine (practically everyone actually ) only had one comment when they saw me… (ang taba mo!) well yes I did gain 22 lbs in excess of my regular weight, But yeah I did change in width.(Yes I will go on a diet and go back to YOGA).On my first night during the wake I was asked to say a few words about lola, And I never realized how hard it would be to even talk or say some words in front of everyone. I would love to think that no matter how good you are in speaking to a crowd, When it comes to things involving people who you care about and who has been part of your life everything changes. The whole time i was stuttering and crying and laughing from time to time like I was a mad bitch or something. But one thing I was very very sure of when I said it that Lola has taught me and has shown me how a family should be. And no matter how imperfect your family may be as long as you are all together that’s all that matters.

In my 21years of existence I owe 13 years of that to Lola and to my second family.

I used to remember lola telling me that I need to make sure to take good care of my legs. ( she probably assumed that I would grow to a height of at least 5’4 or higher like my other Tita’s , unfortunately I have stopped growing to a height of 4’10, Maybe lola should have considered my gene line) And all  those nights that I would fall asleep while she was telling me stories about things in life that I should and would expect and what I should do in case that time comes.She was a great person who had nothing else but the thought of trying to do good for others,Probably to the point of forgetting herself. At the very least it was good that she has lived a full life, has accomplished pretty much everything she wanted in life

But just like what Tito Meng said in time we will see you in Heaven, till then we will go on with our lives and keep your memory with us as we go along, I hope you watch over all of us Lola.

“I was the other woman”

For a point in time I was.

 I grew up watching those sleazy, made-for-TV movies whose storylines usually involved a home-wrecking hussy who unleashed havoc on a happy relationship with her cheap charms and staggering ways. As a christian teenager, I couldn’t imagine what would drive someone to steal another woman’s man. So imagine my surprise when a scant yeas later, I became one of those hussies, involved in a scandalous love drama with no happy end in sight.
The Other Woman holds a unique, nearly invisible place in society and when it comes to affairs, the blame, shame and scarlet letter are squarely placed on her shoulders. I don’t have much defense for my actions other than the naïveté — some would say, stupidity — of being a young woman who believed herself madly in love with the man of her dreams, who just happened to be committed,In those TV movies, the wanton woman usually gets what’s coming to her, whether it’s a jail sentence or an overwrought gunfight in which she’s the loser. In real life, I can tell you that the end is possibly even more painful than most breakups. Unlike a rift with an actual boyfriend, you won’t get much sympathy for your shattered heart because if anyone knew of the relationship, he or she most likely disapproved, and there’s not even the solace of knowing that your ex is as miserable and alone as you are. Because you know he’s gone back to his girl. Here are some other hard lessons you’ll learn if you date a man who’s spoken for…

Lesson #1: It’s about sex, not love
As romantic as a head-over-heels love affair can first seem, it ultimately devolves into tawdry and quick assignations during his lunch hour or as his post-work workout. He already has a relationship and simply doesn’t have the time to cultivate another one. “When you’re so rushed for time because he has to get home for dinner, there’s not much you can do together but have sex,” “So he comes over, you have sex, talk for a bit and then he showers and goes back to his wife. Cuddling? As if.” And isn’t luxuriating in the post-sex afterglow one of the best parts about intimacy? Granted, affair sex is almost inherently hot because of its forbidden element, but once that wears off, you’re feeling alone and empty.

Lesson #2: Don’t call him, he’ll call you
“What I hated most about having an affair was that I couldn’t reach my lover when I wanted to, I couldn’t call him because he didn’t want anyone to know about me or have any suspicions .And if he didn’t want to talk to me, all he had to do was turn off his cell phone. It drove me crazy that I’d have to wait for him to call me back when it was convenient for him,He’d usually txt me up for a brief chat when he stepped outside ,And those brief chats just don’t satisfy your need for emotional reassurance after yet another encounter

Lesson #3: Saturday night? Try Wednesday afternoon
Get used to staying in. its just the fact that as much as possible you have to aviod beeing seen together,because it would jepardize his current relatioship with his flame.you can demand for any sort of time from him since again you are only the third party..you always have to wait till he has time to eventually ask you and if he doesnt you cant do anything.

Lesson #4: You’ll get plenty of alone time
Affairs are bad and everyone knows it, so when you start one, you become pretty selective when it comes to telling anyone about “your new boyfriend.” I remember telling a few close friends, and as hard as they tried to be supportive, I knew that they didn’t understand, were disappointed, or completely disapproved. So I went into secret mode and didn’t tell anyone where I’d be or what I was doing, in case I was with “him” or in case he was calling me to let me know he could come see me for a bit. It was very isolating to not be able to share something so huge, and emotionally painful, that was going on in my life with my friends. At the same time, I was so obsessed with when I’d be able to see him again that I freed up my schedule entirely, forgoing time with friends, so I could be available when he was. And that’s just sad.the mere fact that you cant even have him or be close to him as you’d like

Lesson #5: Get ready for gut-wrenching guilt
If you have any sort of conscience, the guilt of what you’re doing will gnaw away at you. As much as I tried to justify my affair as the price of true love, the presence of his girl soon became very concrete and unbearable. He’d have to call her sometimes from my place to explain away his lateness, and I’d go into the other room and feel seedy. I also spent an inordinate amount of time on social networks, looking for pictures, history, anything about this girl who was my rival as well as the blameless victim in this whole mess. I think that’s what eventually led me to breaking off the affair. I couldn’t deal with the guilt of it and the harm I was causing another woman, whether she knew about it or not. I also knew he’d never leave her. And in hindsight, I don’t think I wanted him to—and that’s really the only positive thing I can say about the whole mess.
Its just that i only wanted to be loved and yet i found it in the right person in the wrong situation and the wrong setting and un fortunately i was also both the victim and the culprit….lets just go by that indeed we are the victims of our own choices…..

School..

I went through 6 years of primary school, 4 years of middle school, and 4 years of College (well if you want to include nursery and kindergarten then that would be a whole different count) so that’s a total of 14 years of  what society calls “Standard Education”. But the thing that I find absolutely interesting is this.. Do we really need everything that we learn in school?? like really…. I mean when did Senior Capstone in Psychology have anything to do with cooking?? When did sociology have anything to do with taking care of a hamster? or a fish to be preciseBut don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that were not supposed to go to school, Because if I didn’t im pretty sure I  would be illiterate on a lot of things I mean I wont be able to read or write, Or defend myself with the use of sarcasm.(kidding) and I definately won’t be able to learn a few of life’s lessons here and there in school.In pre-school I wouldn’t know how be sincere in so many things if my classmate was not a special child who needed so much care and attention, In grade school I wouldn’t know the meaning of fear if I was not expelled because I pushed a nun teacher  into the maintenance closet, In middle school I wouldn’t truly know the meaning of friendship and how important it is for a person. As well as the meaning of diligence,moreover I was introduced to Alcohol,Smoking,Sex and all the other fun stuff a teen does. In College it was a whole different ball game I needed to learn how to manage my time well for both work and school, I also needed to learn to work my way around things, I was slowly being immersed to the real world.At first I thought that it sucks but eventually I learned to accept it, But still when did the subject of biology have anything to do with learning how to write and drive?

I hated Algebra, Trigonometry and Physics, Numbers made my head twirl.During the mid terms It made me sick it even gave me nightmares of a number trying to eat me alive. I only liked a few subjects like science and P.E (Physical Education) everything else I had something to say on. (But hey I kinda excelled in school even if  I was not a  big fan of the subjects). They say that  school is a big factor on how you become molded as a person I’m not totally sure that applies to everyone.

I guess it truly depends on how one forsees school or how one is introduced to it. Whats important is for one not to substitute SENSE for STUPIDITY. But as we go on in our lives we all have a bit of learning here and there and a little growing up to do every single day. Like what they say that we will prolly never graduate from the school of life but at least we learn a bit knick knack here and there.

But thank God I no longer have to do those horrific formula to find the equivalent of x|y raised to the 3rd power.

10 things one must know to avoid messing up thier lives…(according to me,and applicable to me as well)

 No I am not giving instructions on how one should live. I mean we all have so many thing to think about and do and the last thing we could be busy on is how to give instructions to another on how they should work their lives..(and besides who are f*^&$%^ hell are we to tell them what to do right?)

We all love to be such a negist (at some point or another) but it really does not help us, regardless if you think it does or not.maybe its just everyone’s way of coping up or releasing a form of stress. Hey were all human made of emotions and feelings.(feelings that sometimes gets the best of us.) but then again its up to us how we truly want things to work out.

 So here are the 10 things one must know to further avoid messing up their lives.(or so I think)

Stop taking so much notice of how you feel. – How you feel is how you feel. It’ll pass soon. What you’re thinking is what you’re thinking. It’ll go too. Tell yourself that whatever you feel, you feel; whatever you think, you think. Since you can’t stop yourself thinking, or prevent emotions from arising in your mind, it makes no sense to be proud or ashamed of either. You didn’t cause them. Only your actions are directly under your control. They’re the only proper cause of pleasure or shame.

Let go of worrying.  – It often makes things worse. The more you think about something bad, the more likely it is to happen. When you’re hair-trigger primed to notice the first sign of trouble, you’ll surely find something close enough to convince yourself its come.

Ease up on the internal life commentary. – If you want to be happy, stop telling yourself you’re miserable. People are always telling themselves how they feel, what they’re thinking, what others feel about them, what this or that event really means. Most of its imagination. The rest is equal parts lies and misunderstandings. You have only the most limited understanding of what others feel about you. Usually they’re no better informed on the subject; and they care about it far less than you do. You have no way of knowing what this or that event really means. Whatever you tell yourself will be make-believe.

Take no notice of your inner critic. – Judging yourself is pointless. Judging others is half-witted. Whatever you achieve, someone else will always do better. However bad you are, others are worse. Since you can tell neither what’s best nor what’s worst, how can you place yourself correctly between them? Judging others is foolish since you cannot know all the facts, cannot create a reliable or objective scale, have no means of knowing whether your criteria match anyone else’s, and cannot have more than a limited and extremely partial view of the other person. Who cares about your opinion anyway?

Give up on feeling guilty. – Guilt changes nothing. It may make you feel you’re accepting responsibility, but it can’t produce anything new in your life. If you feel guilty about something you’ve done, either do something to put it right or accept you screwed up and try not to do so again. Then let it go. If you’re feeling guilty about what someone else did, see a psychiatrist. That’s insane.

Stop being concerned what the rest of the world says about you. –  Nasty people can’t make you mad. Nice people can’t make you happy. Events or people are simply events or people. They can’t make you anything. You have to do that for yourself. Whatever emotions arise in you as a result of external events, they’re powerless until you pick them up and decide to act on them. Besides, most people are far too busy thinking about themselves (and worry what you are thinking and saying about them) to be concerned about you.

Stop keeping score – Numbers are just numbers. They don’t have mystical powers. Because something is expressed as a number, a ratio or any other numerical pattern doesn’t mean it’s true. Plenty of lovingly calculated business indicators are irrelevant, gibberish, nonsensical, or just plain wrong. If you don’t understand it, or it’s telling you something bizarre, ignore it. There’s nothing scientific about relying on false data. Nor anything useful about charting your life by numbers that were silly in the first place.

Don’t be concerned that your life and career aren’t working out the way you planned. – The closer you stick to any plan, the quicker you’ll go wrong. The world changes constantly. However carefully you analyzed the situation when you made the plan, if it’s more than a few days old, things will already be different. After a month, they’ll be very different. After a year, virtually nothing will be the same as it was when you started. Planning is only useful as a discipline to force people to think carefully about what they know and what they don’t. Once you start, throw the plan away and keep your eyes on reality.

Don’t let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decisions. – To hold yourself responsible for someone else’s success and happiness demeans them and proves you’ve lost the plot. It’s their life. They have to live it. You can’t do it for them; nor can you stop them from messing it up if they’re determined to do so. The job of a supervisor is to help and supervise. Only control-freaks and some others with a less serious mental disability fail to understand this.

Don’t worry about your personality. –  You don’t really have one. Personality, like ego, is a concept invented by your mind. It doesn’t exist in the real world. Personality is a word for the general impression that you give through your words and actions. If your personality isn’t likeable today, don’t worry. You can always change it, so long as you allow yourself to do so. What fixes someone’s personality in one place is a determined effort on their part—usually through continually telling themselves they’re this or that kind of person and acting on what they say. If you don’t like the way you are, make yourself different. You’re the only person who’s standing in your way.