The NEXT Chapter

The next chapter happens as this is being written as i have not been able to diligently post back on the things that need to be posted and the life events that needed to be shared. Only because I took into reason that ” I don’t have time”, or “I’m too busy” or “I’ll just do this later” or even the incidents like “I don’t have internet connection right now”. And because of all of those excuses that I had and the  excessive number of times I have chosen to procrastinate here I am over a year later with a bunch of unedited drafts and a boring blog that I now need to revive for the sake of diversion.

I don’t recall the emotions I had whilst wring the old posts that have been left in the draft. I know there should be some significance to what you were feeling as to what you were writing, but because I went dormant on this writing thing I don’t know where to continue it anymore.

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Over the past year so many things has happened. So many events, so many people who came and have gone, for some gone forever. gained weight. lost weight, and gained it all back again.( hahahahahah) I was so close to meeting that man who made my heart skip a beat when I was a child but he turned out to be a total wuss and broke it even before we had the fairytale reunion haha. ( whatever you may call it) I also apparently almost crossed paths in the airport with the douche bag who broke my heart more than once within a two-year period. It was like I was in a period of suntan and total torture.

As of right now I’m currently employed by a company who has opted to stretch me to bits and throw me out the shark tank, I am in a location where all eyes are waiting for me to make a mistake,its like a dirt feast happening on a daily basis.  The last time I checked shark tanks only exists on aquariums. I also don’t think that I should waste my time pleasing everyone anymore. I am hoping though to be able to find a normal job with normal working hours. maybe that will help me take the toxicity out. That would possible be the addition of being a better me.

So here I am ranting and being thankful at the same time for everything that has passed over the most recent year and a half that I have not jotted down. I don’t many things right at the first time so I’m sure that a lot of what I have done and written down are mistakes I have made or have repeated, However what is life going to be like if we don’t  try again?

Try again till you get it right.

Right now I am looking forward to the next of everything. whether I will lose weight or not, whether I will find my prince of sarcasm or not, whether I live a life full of caffeine and cigarettes . No one ever said it was going to be easy but it does not mean it going to be that hard.

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Its your list to make

There is a major difference between trying to prove your love and simply sharing your love.

I can’t tell you how many times I have in the past tried to prove my love. I’ve tried to show men and women and other people how worthy I am, how loving I am, how rad I am.

I realized that I kept doing this because I had yet to truly realize how worthy, loving and rad I was. If I had really known this, I wouldn’t have been trying to prove it to other people.

Make a list of all the things you wish other people would see about you. Make a list. You wish what? They would see how rad, awesome, loving, supporting, caring, and faithful, etc you are? Make the list…

Now, ask yourself if you are demonstrating these qualities towards yourself? The answer is probably no for some or all of the qualities you listed.

So, how would you act if you were actually demonstrating these qualities? That version of you is who will attract people who see you. When you see you, other people will too.

Then, you can SHARE your gifts, your love and your worth with them and receive their worth, gifts and love. This is massively different than trying to prove yourself to someone else.

When we try to prove ourselves to others, it is because we do not see our great qualities and are not giving these qualities to ourselves. Once we do, we step into a new paradigm and walk away from trying to prove ourselves and step into just being ourselves.

Point of Reasoning.

So I was thinking,what if everything you did wrong in your life could be right in a blink of an eye?

What if everything that you said wrong could be changed?
What if every wrong action would be put into good?

What’s going to happen then? How will our perspectives change?
How will we be like?

How could our lives be like if some changes never happened? If some words were never said,if some lies had not covered up truths. In every life lived there will always be one path made to cover another,We all have our ideal worlds we’d love to live in, Worlds that revolve around Money,Fame and Power,Worlds that revolve only around society, and those kinds of stuff.
I honestly have never fully understood how the human mind works, Although I have studied it I have still found it hard to understand things from what they are. You could diagnose and give a pathway of thoughts but it does not really give you an actual answer, it mearly points to a highly possible direction and or point out the cause but never be able to predict the actual outcome.
Its like hypothetical bullshit.
But just does not sound or look like it.
Quite amusing actually,then it just drives you crazy
Just the same way as how easily some friends could exchange you for new ones in a snap. I guess maybe sometimes we just do things simply because we just wanted to be heard, or maybe we have a message we just couldn’t get through,then all the sudden the action turns into something that was highly misinterpreted. Then everything else just bursts out of control.Then all of the sudden you’re left alone,just alone because in their minds you are made of evil.(Or something like that nature). I think this is part of the growing up thing.,and if this is then Its a rocky one.I just hope that everything changes to the way it was ment to go.

Please whisper a prayer to the big guy up there (For Lola Luming Part 2)

The funeral is over, Lola was laid to rest on a bright and sunny day, all the family members were there as well as friends who loved her and people whose lives were changed by her were there too,I can vividly remember the air suddenly growing really strong overshadowing the heat from the burning  Sun,that gust of wind blew around everyone it’s as if Lola was somehow hugging everyone.During the one of Lola’s service Pastor Raymond said something about what we should expect in life,that we are here to prepare for separation from this world in time for our reunion with the dear creator and our loved ones who have moved on to the next life,
I’m not really sure how it all works out, However eventually in time I will figure out,we will all figure it out.But till then the journey for everyone else continues.I’m pretty sure Lola has seen what was going on during her wake, how many people have sent her flowers (which by the way filled the whole chapel till the hallway to the next chapel, which ment she got a whole lot of flowers!), The words that were said by her dear children and grandchildren whom I all love dearly and the number of people who passed to pay their last respects. Of her 77 years she has worked her whole heart out to her passion, Something that she sought and continued till the day she died. She has always loved children,She always had the heart for them no matter where they came from,no matter how they were her mission was to teach them things that matter in life and teach them about the Lord.My Tita Let also told me to find my passion,find what I really really want, to not just get into things and just give it 20% but to find that one thing that I will give my 100% to she was right, Just like how Lola would say it.All that Lola Luming had in her heart are the good things that she wanted to share,She was no doubt a wonderful mother,grandmother, friend, companion and everything else.(It’s just the cooking part I’m not sure of 🙂 )
While peeking into her coffin for one last look,(for the record I have always been terrified of coffins and I had to be convinced by Tita Heidi to take a look at Lola one last time,and drag kuya JR along if I was scared) My mind went blank, just literally blank.Its like all my thoughts have suddenly evaporated and all I had left was THANK YOU FOR THE LOVE.


After she was laid to rest we had lots of balloons (purple balloons!) that was released to the sky during that bright sunny morning,While the balloons rose up in the air going to a direction that no one really knows, I remember another part of Tito Meng’s eulogy,that Lola no longer needs prayers,because she is happy with our creator, It’s us who were left here that need prayers on how we would continue our lives.
So Lola while you’re rockin up the skies,Please whisper a prayer to the Big Guy up there for all of us here we really need it.And yes we miss you dearly.
P.S If you happen to bump by Dad up there please tell him his little girl misses him too.

Choices

We are the lot of unfair creatures

We were always given a choice it was only a matter which or what to pick, However this is where indecisiveness comes in. With whatever we pick there will always be a consequence or there will always be a following action to whatever you choose, the outcome could be either beneficial or destructive depending on how you take on things.

We all have this habit of finding that loophole to blame when we fail to pick the better option, We would always with no doubt find a reason why it should not be how it’s supposed to be (talk about finding a sense of explanation). And if things go wrong we blame the universe and everything that conspires it, not realizing that this is an outcome of the initial action that we have decided upon. The universe has nothing to do with your mind’s decision, The universe simply acts upon what we have decided to do.

I was never good in making choices. I was always the one who rushed into things and would only wait for the consequences to arrive, It may have something to do with age however I always was as carefree as the wind.Not considering the effects it may bring. In my world it was always “que sera” . But as time passes by and things within my world change the perspectives that I have about change continues to grow,It would sometime be wonderful or disastrous.

May it be with work,life ,love or my relationship to people and everyone i consider a part of my “universe” I never ran out of choices, I am at times foolish enough to let myself believe that I have no other options. Because I do, it’s just sometimes I choose not to see it. Sometimes everything is indeed easier said than done, but as long as I continue to be me and moving on to evolve myself into a better person then I guess at the end of the day it will still be ok.

Everyone has their own perspective of things and how choices are sent to their place, But like what Patrick said “If  it’s not alright, It’s not the end”

“I was the other woman”

For a point in time I was.

 I grew up watching those sleazy, made-for-TV movies whose storylines usually involved a home-wrecking hussy who unleashed havoc on a happy relationship with her cheap charms and staggering ways. As a christian teenager, I couldn’t imagine what would drive someone to steal another woman’s man. So imagine my surprise when a scant yeas later, I became one of those hussies, involved in a scandalous love drama with no happy end in sight.
The Other Woman holds a unique, nearly invisible place in society and when it comes to affairs, the blame, shame and scarlet letter are squarely placed on her shoulders. I don’t have much defense for my actions other than the naïveté — some would say, stupidity — of being a young woman who believed herself madly in love with the man of her dreams, who just happened to be committed,In those TV movies, the wanton woman usually gets what’s coming to her, whether it’s a jail sentence or an overwrought gunfight in which she’s the loser. In real life, I can tell you that the end is possibly even more painful than most breakups. Unlike a rift with an actual boyfriend, you won’t get much sympathy for your shattered heart because if anyone knew of the relationship, he or she most likely disapproved, and there’s not even the solace of knowing that your ex is as miserable and alone as you are. Because you know he’s gone back to his girl. Here are some other hard lessons you’ll learn if you date a man who’s spoken for…

Lesson #1: It’s about sex, not love
As romantic as a head-over-heels love affair can first seem, it ultimately devolves into tawdry and quick assignations during his lunch hour or as his post-work workout. He already has a relationship and simply doesn’t have the time to cultivate another one. “When you’re so rushed for time because he has to get home for dinner, there’s not much you can do together but have sex,” “So he comes over, you have sex, talk for a bit and then he showers and goes back to his wife. Cuddling? As if.” And isn’t luxuriating in the post-sex afterglow one of the best parts about intimacy? Granted, affair sex is almost inherently hot because of its forbidden element, but once that wears off, you’re feeling alone and empty.

Lesson #2: Don’t call him, he’ll call you
“What I hated most about having an affair was that I couldn’t reach my lover when I wanted to, I couldn’t call him because he didn’t want anyone to know about me or have any suspicions .And if he didn’t want to talk to me, all he had to do was turn off his cell phone. It drove me crazy that I’d have to wait for him to call me back when it was convenient for him,He’d usually txt me up for a brief chat when he stepped outside ,And those brief chats just don’t satisfy your need for emotional reassurance after yet another encounter

Lesson #3: Saturday night? Try Wednesday afternoon
Get used to staying in. its just the fact that as much as possible you have to aviod beeing seen together,because it would jepardize his current relatioship with his flame.you can demand for any sort of time from him since again you are only the third party..you always have to wait till he has time to eventually ask you and if he doesnt you cant do anything.

Lesson #4: You’ll get plenty of alone time
Affairs are bad and everyone knows it, so when you start one, you become pretty selective when it comes to telling anyone about “your new boyfriend.” I remember telling a few close friends, and as hard as they tried to be supportive, I knew that they didn’t understand, were disappointed, or completely disapproved. So I went into secret mode and didn’t tell anyone where I’d be or what I was doing, in case I was with “him” or in case he was calling me to let me know he could come see me for a bit. It was very isolating to not be able to share something so huge, and emotionally painful, that was going on in my life with my friends. At the same time, I was so obsessed with when I’d be able to see him again that I freed up my schedule entirely, forgoing time with friends, so I could be available when he was. And that’s just sad.the mere fact that you cant even have him or be close to him as you’d like

Lesson #5: Get ready for gut-wrenching guilt
If you have any sort of conscience, the guilt of what you’re doing will gnaw away at you. As much as I tried to justify my affair as the price of true love, the presence of his girl soon became very concrete and unbearable. He’d have to call her sometimes from my place to explain away his lateness, and I’d go into the other room and feel seedy. I also spent an inordinate amount of time on social networks, looking for pictures, history, anything about this girl who was my rival as well as the blameless victim in this whole mess. I think that’s what eventually led me to breaking off the affair. I couldn’t deal with the guilt of it and the harm I was causing another woman, whether she knew about it or not. I also knew he’d never leave her. And in hindsight, I don’t think I wanted him to—and that’s really the only positive thing I can say about the whole mess.
Its just that i only wanted to be loved and yet i found it in the right person in the wrong situation and the wrong setting and un fortunately i was also both the victim and the culprit….lets just go by that indeed we are the victims of our own choices…..

School..

I went through 6 years of primary school, 4 years of middle school, and 4 years of College (well if you want to include nursery and kindergarten then that would be a whole different count) so that’s a total of 14 years of  what society calls “Standard Education”. But the thing that I find absolutely interesting is this.. Do we really need everything that we learn in school?? like really…. I mean when did Senior Capstone in Psychology have anything to do with cooking?? When did sociology have anything to do with taking care of a hamster? or a fish to be preciseBut don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that were not supposed to go to school, Because if I didn’t im pretty sure I  would be illiterate on a lot of things I mean I wont be able to read or write, Or defend myself with the use of sarcasm.(kidding) and I definately won’t be able to learn a few of life’s lessons here and there in school.In pre-school I wouldn’t know how be sincere in so many things if my classmate was not a special child who needed so much care and attention, In grade school I wouldn’t know the meaning of fear if I was not expelled because I pushed a nun teacher  into the maintenance closet, In middle school I wouldn’t truly know the meaning of friendship and how important it is for a person. As well as the meaning of diligence,moreover I was introduced to Alcohol,Smoking,Sex and all the other fun stuff a teen does. In College it was a whole different ball game I needed to learn how to manage my time well for both work and school, I also needed to learn to work my way around things, I was slowly being immersed to the real world.At first I thought that it sucks but eventually I learned to accept it, But still when did the subject of biology have anything to do with learning how to write and drive?

I hated Algebra, Trigonometry and Physics, Numbers made my head twirl.During the mid terms It made me sick it even gave me nightmares of a number trying to eat me alive. I only liked a few subjects like science and P.E (Physical Education) everything else I had something to say on. (But hey I kinda excelled in school even if  I was not a  big fan of the subjects). They say that  school is a big factor on how you become molded as a person I’m not totally sure that applies to everyone.

I guess it truly depends on how one forsees school or how one is introduced to it. Whats important is for one not to substitute SENSE for STUPIDITY. But as we go on in our lives we all have a bit of learning here and there and a little growing up to do every single day. Like what they say that we will prolly never graduate from the school of life but at least we learn a bit knick knack here and there.

But thank God I no longer have to do those horrific formula to find the equivalent of x|y raised to the 3rd power.