This is for you

In case in the future you get to read this, know that I wrote this for you.

Do you still recall the day that you left?

That day that you walked out for good. I still do, It always seems to be as fresh as if it just happened yesterday, I have to admit that compared to anything else in this lifetime that it was the most painful experience in my life. Far more than all the other unfortunate things

So how did you become the factor for the most painful life experience I know?

It was simple, I never allowed myself to be as close to the truth as i did with you and Ironically you left me because of the “truth”

You left me when I didn’t have anything. I was broke, had no job, had a hard time finding a job that would “suit” the preferred lifestyle that you can be proud of, had issues from the past , had to deal with family that was falling apart, couldn’t fit in a specific “mold “that i had to be in, at same time in a dress size i couldn’t achieve.

I hated myself. I couldn’t even grieve or let it all out because I was so spent in everything. I was more of a mess than I ever was – sleepless nights, days where I just want to stay in bed and never go out anymore, sudden unreasonable bursts of tears, agressiveness and anger over so many things and so many people, a developed fear of certain spaces, and spacing out occasionally because I keep on telling myself why couldn’t I just be normal. Hate to say it but I kinda went back to that place of pretending.

I told myself that I must only go out with people who was as messed up as I am with the hopes that maybe they would accept me, only to figure out that I couldn’t do it because I turned into this narcissistic judgemental bitch who overvalued herself. For a lack of a better term I have turned into you.  So for me not to be fully consumed of  what I have turned into I did everything possible I thought was going to teach me how to value and love myself better.

I travelled every chance I could to everywhere I can go, took retreats, took classes, tried to learn new skills, but I stopped. Because doing all of these only enabled me to further cover up the things I didn’t want to deal with or remember. It’s not that I have not moved on, I just have not recovered from it.

On your birthday last year I wanted to throw you a party, one where I wont be in, I tried asking for help from everyone even your closest friends, they either looked at my message with pity or stayed quiet and ignored me as if i did not exist. but that wasn’t what I wanted, they just did not understand why I needed to do it. And from there the feeling of rejection grew even more.  But It did not stop there, There were still the days when your sister would message me, or when I was finally denied of being able to speak to the boys. and of course there is also the case of me being blocked by your mother and everyone else just like that.  At this point I can hear you say “ Joanna why are you forcing yourself to us, Why are you doing this, Why won’t you have decency for yourself?”  And I have this to answer back, If I was forcing myself then you would see me everywhere and I would constantly try to reach you and I never did that not even once.  I have released you as I release myself from the chains that I myself made when I met you. 

You should have just murdered me.- but then again you already did anyway (just not physically.)

It took me several attempts to write this and every single time I would, I had to redo it over and over again. Because the words could never seem to be enough, and the fact that this could be the closest thing possible for me being able to say this all out loud. My most recent trip forced myself to finish this. Because all I did was retrace the steps we took when you brought me there. I went to every place I could remember in the city in hopes of me being able to pick pieces of myself up – in case I lost some of it there. We all cant face our fears if we don’t go through it and quite obviously my idea of fear has become you.

I should now tell you how much damage I gained emotionally and mentally, I thought being called names was one thing but being called out as someone with a mental disorder was another thing, You would always tell me that I was doomed to be like my parents, or that I will be no one, – or at least someone not good enough for anyone’s standard because I don’t have a stellar childhood or because I just didn’t seem to have enough potential for anything – but then again you would always say otherwise when you are in a good mood. Or whenever you would say things so mean and painful that I would be so confused on what I will believe, You have no idea how scared I would be because I really did not know how much more I could take. These words seem to suddenly have a life of its own and turned into a monster that always creeps up behind me to whisper things to my ear. And no matter what you would tell me I would believe it. 

All that I am –  to which every single piece of me you know seemed to be so insignificant with the way you criticise where I came from, my life choices and what I have done in my life like I should have just placed myself in the garbage because I couldn’t do anything right. I don’t even know how many times I had to apologize for being who I am, how many wishes I had to say out to the universe hoping I could have had at least altered some things in my life to be able to be who you wanted me to be.

And all the times I had to beg, – I HAD TO BEG, for you to accept me including how I look or how heavy I weigh, how could I let someone just walk all over me without me realizing it. How could I allow someone to just take what was left of me and tear it up more. And what hurts the most is the fact is still hear you telling me that I don’t have to be alone anymore and yet here I am ALONE.

By the end of it all I have lost myself.

What I do not understand is that despite all why the hell do I still feel love for you? No matter how I deduce everything and take out the equation of me and the weight of my sanity it was still all about me loving you wholeheartedly. Do you even know what it’s like to be in my shoes? Have you taken the time to truly understand what life is like for me? do you really know what it was like to be abused and abandoned? Have to cried yourself to sleep everyday for years waiting for some goddamn miracle? Have you waited everyday for someone who will never come back?

I just really wish you did not abandon me. I wish you didn’t let your ego get over everything else because it was what hurt me the most. I know it was never easy to be with me or love me, and I know how you struggled to at least try.  And I’m very thankful, We were both just really bad at this to try to finish the story. We both just didn’t know how to handle each other or deal with each other’s issues to the point that it just broke us even further from each other. I am sorry for everything, for hurting you in ways I couldn’t count and for the days I couldnt be truthful enough to trust you.

We wanted different things, to lead different lives. I know that despite the madness you somehow loved me, and it was the most beautiful thing I have experienced.

I would never wish you ill or harm, But I wish you all the love that you can have, and all the understanding of how the world is. That there are people who isn’t as fortunate as you are and that it’s not our job to change people to place them in pedestals  but it is our job to help them be better. And no matter how much disappointments or hurt we both have cost each other I hope that in the end at back of your head you would still remember the days that we understood how love was and what really mattered. 

           I will always love you. and you will always have the biggest piece of my heart. 


True Love is letting go

It’s okay to let go.

True Love is letting go. Freedom and free will are the by-products of Love.

So many of us lead our lives holding on so tightly that nothing new, nothing miraculous can find us.

We have been taught for a very long time that holding on is what makes us strong, is what Love is made of and is the best answer.

But we are stepping into a new paradigm. We are stepping into a time where growth and Love lead the way. This means we are constantly changing, evolving, dying and being reborn.What must come first is our own spiritual growth. This means listening to our intuition, trusting our gut and expressing ourselves authentically without hiding.

Holding on to a broken relationship stunts our growth. You don’t get points for how much you suffer. “What if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears?”

Our relationships have been sent to teach us, to mold us and to shape us. When we seek Love, The Universe sends us all kinds of relationships that bring to the surface all the blocks we have to Love.

We must learn to identify when the lesson is over. Relationships are containers for growth, not opportunities to suffer so we can prove how much we “love” someone. And a relationship isn’t full if both people aren’t in self-love and then sharing their love with each other from a place of overflow.

Some people are sent to us for quick lessons, some are sent to us for seasonal lessons and some are sent to us for a lesson we are to be taught over a lifetime.

Let us not try to learn and purify ourselves outside of Love, but instead invoke Love in our lives and recognize that the Love of The Uni-verse IS the purifier and the teacher. The face of Love may change, but the energy of Love of The Uni-verse never changes.

Let us no longer try to prove our Love by how much we can hold on to toxic situations and people, but rather by how much we are willing to let go once the lesson has been learned. There is no rulebook for this principle. This is something we must each learn individually and grow into.

The setup so that we have free will to choose to connect to Love, or not. We must give ourselves this freedom as well as all the people in our lives.

For Love does not seek to control, but rather gives freedom.

P.s  Thank you charles for the picture its lovely

Its your list to make

There is a major difference between trying to prove your love and simply sharing your love.

I can’t tell you how many times I have in the past tried to prove my love. I’ve tried to show men and women and other people how worthy I am, how loving I am, how rad I am.

I realized that I kept doing this because I had yet to truly realize how worthy, loving and rad I was. If I had really known this, I wouldn’t have been trying to prove it to other people.

Make a list of all the things you wish other people would see about you. Make a list. You wish what? They would see how rad, awesome, loving, supporting, caring, and faithful, etc you are? Make the list…

Now, ask yourself if you are demonstrating these qualities towards yourself? The answer is probably no for some or all of the qualities you listed.

So, how would you act if you were actually demonstrating these qualities? That version of you is who will attract people who see you. When you see you, other people will too.

Then, you can SHARE your gifts, your love and your worth with them and receive their worth, gifts and love. This is massively different than trying to prove yourself to someone else.

When we try to prove ourselves to others, it is because we do not see our great qualities and are not giving these qualities to ourselves. Once we do, we step into a new paradigm and walk away from trying to prove ourselves and step into just being ourselves.

Its never too late be who you are ment to be

I have realized now that I have spent most of my life in fear. Fear of allowing myself complete freedom with abandonment to be who I truly wished to be.

I grew up with a slight mentality that I was never good enough. Not even knowing where that feeling came from, I questioned almost every thing that came my way and if I had the ability to perform in the way I believed others expected me to.

As I have grown older, I have learned that this isn’t the way I should have EVER felt in my life. We should all, most importantly, honor the unique qualities we have within ourselves knowing that with those qualities we can simply change the lives of others-if not, change the world. I admire people who take risks; who live for what they believe; those that recognize their own diversity and encourage, even indirectly, others to live up to their own highest potential.

I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to continue to look deep within myself, connect with who I truly am, and express my uniqueness through creativity. We are all artists painting our own canvasses. We need to embrace one another, support each other, and encourage that creativity to flow.

Never question your inner instincts to create based on what others might think of you or how you might be judged. We are all put here on this Earth at the time that we needed to be here for a reason and if it is my challenge to learn what that reason is, then I accept that challenge and so should you! You are beautiful, you are light, and always remember you are worthy-especially of your OWN love! Who should love you more than yourself?

Take the time to tell yourself how much you believe. Write on your mirror, “I Love You”, so that every day you connect deeper into what/who you truly are. Take the judgment away from yourself and turn the fear into inspiration!

“No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are it is never too late to be who you are meant to be”

We Owe God A Good Death

I just realized I think Im a bit terrified of dying….so I listed down 5 things that we can’t do when we’re dead.

1.- People find it perfectly acceptable to barge into your room and interrupt whatever you are reading or doing,so even before you die you cease to be quite human…

2.- Death is totally predictable and completely fucking boring! i spend my time watching a few tv series,people say that series are nt like real life both tv shows and characters are real..I mean people make the same mistakes endlessly on the other hand tv shows have the tendency to come back from the dead,which dies not happen in real life.or at least not very often

3.-Death is very painful,(it is pointless,boring and in bad taste to describe one’s pain to anyone else )

4.- Everyone around you (“the living”) starts to seem like ghosts and you feel dead even before you are dead,yet you cant quite seem to kick the habit of wanting to live,this is most ANNOYING

5.- You spend a lot of time in bed,But there isn’t any Sex

its not that I’m being morbid or anything we will all eventually end up dead one way or welcome the thought,,just don’t let it get out of  your hand….

“We Owe God A Good Death”

That’s a quote from William Shakespeare. I was talking to a friend earlier, and being November 1, we got into the inevitable discussion on death.  I’ve been missing my dad again recently, and the 12 years he’s been gone don’t seem to diminish the vacuum that’s been created.  The episodes become few and far between, and the urgency not as intense, but the gentle gnawing is still there.  Actually it’s been strange.  I’ve been dreaming about him again, more than a couple of times in fact, and mostly about his death.  One very vivid dream had me crying my eyes out during his funeral.  I didn’t cry at all during his real funeral in 1996, not because I consciously tried not to, but because I already cried when he was in the hospital and I was quite done.  I was glad he was finally over with that whole, pain and agony in a decaying body stage.  So it was a bit puzzling to me to be dreaming about grieving for him in such a big way.  I don’t even try to figure it out.

Anyway, back to the conversation about death, I was saying that inasmuch that it sucks to go first, I wouldn’t want to be in the unenviable position of dying last.  The idea of attending the funerals of all my friends and loved ones is a petrifying idea.  It sucks to grieve over so many people you love, and that feeling that you’ve been left behind; like they’ve all gone to a party somewhere and you’re still at home, waiting for the bus.  Besides, I wouldn’t want to be the rickety shell of a man surrounded by young vibrant people, still in the pink of youth.  I’d like to go somewhere in the middle.  I don’t mind grieving for some of the people I love, but the selfish part of me (the attention whore), wants some loved ones left to grieve for me!

This year was a year of unexpected deaths.It really jarring when people so young, die so sudden, so unexpectedly.

Death freaks me out.  I used to think I’ve made my peace with death, that I’m ready anytime it tells me, “game over”, but the closer my years nudge me ever nearer to the edge of the grave, suddenly I’m not so sure.  I definitely freak out with the idea of the deaths of loved ones.  It’s a certainty, but the mystery surrounding the order and manner of who goes first, is an excruciating thought.  Even when my beloved pets die, it’s crippling, what more family and friends?

I’d really rather not think about death, that sneaky thief in the night, but I don’t want to fear it as well.  Respect it and it’s power, yes, but not fear it.  Nobody knows empirically, but I’d personally rather believe that it’s not the end, but more of a crossing over, not unlike the Greek crossing of the River Styx, via the boatman Charon.  People used to put coins in the mouths of the dead so they have something to pay Charon as he ferries them across.  I’d like to think I’d still “see” my dad

The more I love people, the more paralyzing the idea of losing them to death.  Everything is so fleeting.  It’s a scary thought, but strangely I find comfort in the constancy of it.  The harder you try to hold on to things that don’t last, the more difficult the struggle to let go.  This is the epic battle for me.  Obviously, after 15 years, I still can’t let go of my dad.  And that’s just one loved one there were still so many unanswered questions and so many wishes for time wasted. And my heart loves legions more….

“I was the other woman”

For a point in time I was.

 I grew up watching those sleazy, made-for-TV movies whose storylines usually involved a home-wrecking hussy who unleashed havoc on a happy relationship with her cheap charms and staggering ways. As a christian teenager, I couldn’t imagine what would drive someone to steal another woman’s man. So imagine my surprise when a scant yeas later, I became one of those hussies, involved in a scandalous love drama with no happy end in sight.
The Other Woman holds a unique, nearly invisible place in society and when it comes to affairs, the blame, shame and scarlet letter are squarely placed on her shoulders. I don’t have much defense for my actions other than the naïveté — some would say, stupidity — of being a young woman who believed herself madly in love with the man of her dreams, who just happened to be committed,In those TV movies, the wanton woman usually gets what’s coming to her, whether it’s a jail sentence or an overwrought gunfight in which she’s the loser. In real life, I can tell you that the end is possibly even more painful than most breakups. Unlike a rift with an actual boyfriend, you won’t get much sympathy for your shattered heart because if anyone knew of the relationship, he or she most likely disapproved, and there’s not even the solace of knowing that your ex is as miserable and alone as you are. Because you know he’s gone back to his girl. Here are some other hard lessons you’ll learn if you date a man who’s spoken for…

Lesson #1: It’s about sex, not love
As romantic as a head-over-heels love affair can first seem, it ultimately devolves into tawdry and quick assignations during his lunch hour or as his post-work workout. He already has a relationship and simply doesn’t have the time to cultivate another one. “When you’re so rushed for time because he has to get home for dinner, there’s not much you can do together but have sex,” “So he comes over, you have sex, talk for a bit and then he showers and goes back to his wife. Cuddling? As if.” And isn’t luxuriating in the post-sex afterglow one of the best parts about intimacy? Granted, affair sex is almost inherently hot because of its forbidden element, but once that wears off, you’re feeling alone and empty.

Lesson #2: Don’t call him, he’ll call you
“What I hated most about having an affair was that I couldn’t reach my lover when I wanted to, I couldn’t call him because he didn’t want anyone to know about me or have any suspicions .And if he didn’t want to talk to me, all he had to do was turn off his cell phone. It drove me crazy that I’d have to wait for him to call me back when it was convenient for him,He’d usually txt me up for a brief chat when he stepped outside ,And those brief chats just don’t satisfy your need for emotional reassurance after yet another encounter

Lesson #3: Saturday night? Try Wednesday afternoon
Get used to staying in. its just the fact that as much as possible you have to aviod beeing seen together,because it would jepardize his current relatioship with his can demand for any sort of time from him since again you are only the third always have to wait till he has time to eventually ask you and if he doesnt you cant do anything.

Lesson #4: You’ll get plenty of alone time
Affairs are bad and everyone knows it, so when you start one, you become pretty selective when it comes to telling anyone about “your new boyfriend.” I remember telling a few close friends, and as hard as they tried to be supportive, I knew that they didn’t understand, were disappointed, or completely disapproved. So I went into secret mode and didn’t tell anyone where I’d be or what I was doing, in case I was with “him” or in case he was calling me to let me know he could come see me for a bit. It was very isolating to not be able to share something so huge, and emotionally painful, that was going on in my life with my friends. At the same time, I was so obsessed with when I’d be able to see him again that I freed up my schedule entirely, forgoing time with friends, so I could be available when he was. And that’s just sad.the mere fact that you cant even have him or be close to him as you’d like

Lesson #5: Get ready for gut-wrenching guilt
If you have any sort of conscience, the guilt of what you’re doing will gnaw away at you. As much as I tried to justify my affair as the price of true love, the presence of his girl soon became very concrete and unbearable. He’d have to call her sometimes from my place to explain away his lateness, and I’d go into the other room and feel seedy. I also spent an inordinate amount of time on social networks, looking for pictures, history, anything about this girl who was my rival as well as the blameless victim in this whole mess. I think that’s what eventually led me to breaking off the affair. I couldn’t deal with the guilt of it and the harm I was causing another woman, whether she knew about it or not. I also knew he’d never leave her. And in hindsight, I don’t think I wanted him to—and that’s really the only positive thing I can say about the whole mess.
Its just that i only wanted to be loved and yet i found it in the right person in the wrong situation and the wrong setting and un fortunately i was also both the victim and the culprit….lets just go by that indeed we are the victims of our own choices…..

So I suddenly started to talk about Love..(oh come on.)

So, I just began to wonder…what is love? How do we define love. I looked it up on the internet to see what other people say about it. I realize that Love is too broad of a term because there are many different kinds of Love: friendship, brotherly love, love of a parent, love of a child, love of a spouse, love for your neighbor…etc. I believe that many of us don’t understand exactly that there are different kinds of Love out there besides romantic love with the small affections and sweetness and stuff. Actually, I kind of detest romantic love. I find it very shallow at times and I get the feeling that it’s like a drug that makes you feel high but it’s not exactly the real thing. It’s almost like people are faking “sweetness” when they are in some sort of relationship like that. Showing affection for the sake of showing affection. Then again, I can’t say because I never have had that kind of relationship before. All I’ve observed is people colliding with each other and then say how they are so in love with each other and then part in different directions after impact. Like comets. I feel like too much is placed on the high and the affections and not enough on wisdom when it comes to expressing Love. For me, I define love as the Inspiration to create something for the sake of the joy, the Inspiration that compels us to act out of Compassion for others. It’s the innate expression of joy inside of us.


When we are not able to express that, it hurts. We got stifled and depressed. Perhaps this expression is often misunderstood by many young people because I have observed that they tend to be pretty sloppy and make a mess everywhere when trying to find Love. Perhaps we are putting too much emphasis on romantic love. Perhaps we should look for all kinds of love and not just focus on one kind of love to fulfill everything in our lives.

There are six things that will blind you, yea seven that will keep you in the dark.  What you can’t see about people, relationships, and situations is hidden behind the following:

1. Love

2. Familiarity

3. Incorrect self-image

4. Dependence

5. Gifts

6. Trust

7. Pride