This is for you

In case in the future you get to read this, know that I wrote this for you.

Do you still recall the day that you left?

That day that you walked out for good. I still do, It always seems to be as fresh as if it just happened yesterday, I have to admit that compared to anything else in this lifetime that it was the most painful experience in my life. Far more than all the other unfortunate things

So how did you become the factor for the most painful life experience I know?

It was simple, I never allowed myself to be as close to the truth as i did with you and Ironically you left me because of the “truth”

You left me when I didn’t have anything. I was broke, had no job, had a hard time finding a job that would “suit” the preferred lifestyle that you can be proud of, had issues from the past , had to deal with family that was falling apart, couldn’t fit in a specific “mold “that i had to be in, at same time in a dress size i couldn’t achieve.

I hated myself. I couldn’t even grieve or let it all out because I was so spent in everything. I was more of a mess than I ever was – sleepless nights, days where I just want to stay in bed and never go out anymore, sudden unreasonable bursts of tears, agressiveness and anger over so many things and so many people, a developed fear of certain spaces, and spacing out occasionally because I keep on telling myself why couldn’t I just be normal. Hate to say it but I kinda went back to that place of pretending.

I told myself that I must only go out with people who was as messed up as I am with the hopes that maybe they would accept me, only to figure out that I couldn’t do it because I turned into this narcissistic judgemental bitch who overvalued herself. For a lack of a better term I have turned into you.  So for me not to be fully consumed of  what I have turned into I did everything possible I thought was going to teach me how to value and love myself better.

I travelled every chance I could to everywhere I can go, took retreats, took classes, tried to learn new skills, but I stopped. Because doing all of these only enabled me to further cover up the things I didn’t want to deal with or remember. It’s not that I have not moved on, I just have not recovered from it.

On your birthday last year I wanted to throw you a party, one where I wont be in, I tried asking for help from everyone even your closest friends, they either looked at my message with pity or stayed quiet and ignored me as if i did not exist. but that wasn’t what I wanted, they just did not understand why I needed to do it. And from there the feeling of rejection grew even more.  But It did not stop there, There were still the days when your sister would message me, or when I was finally denied of being able to speak to the boys. and of course there is also the case of me being blocked by your mother and everyone else just like that.  At this point I can hear you say “ Joanna why are you forcing yourself to us, Why are you doing this, Why won’t you have decency for yourself?”  And I have this to answer back, If I was forcing myself then you would see me everywhere and I would constantly try to reach you and I never did that not even once.  I have released you as I release myself from the chains that I myself made when I met you. 

You should have just murdered me.- but then again you already did anyway (just not physically.)

It took me several attempts to write this and every single time I would, I had to redo it over and over again. Because the words could never seem to be enough, and the fact that this could be the closest thing possible for me being able to say this all out loud. My most recent trip forced myself to finish this. Because all I did was retrace the steps we took when you brought me there. I went to every place I could remember in the city in hopes of me being able to pick pieces of myself up – in case I lost some of it there. We all cant face our fears if we don’t go through it and quite obviously my idea of fear has become you.

I should now tell you how much damage I gained emotionally and mentally, I thought being called names was one thing but being called out as someone with a mental disorder was another thing, You would always tell me that I was doomed to be like my parents, or that I will be no one, – or at least someone not good enough for anyone’s standard because I don’t have a stellar childhood or because I just didn’t seem to have enough potential for anything – but then again you would always say otherwise when you are in a good mood. Or whenever you would say things so mean and painful that I would be so confused on what I will believe, You have no idea how scared I would be because I really did not know how much more I could take. These words seem to suddenly have a life of its own and turned into a monster that always creeps up behind me to whisper things to my ear. And no matter what you would tell me I would believe it. 

All that I am –  to which every single piece of me you know seemed to be so insignificant with the way you criticise where I came from, my life choices and what I have done in my life like I should have just placed myself in the garbage because I couldn’t do anything right. I don’t even know how many times I had to apologize for being who I am, how many wishes I had to say out to the universe hoping I could have had at least altered some things in my life to be able to be who you wanted me to be.

And all the times I had to beg, – I HAD TO BEG, for you to accept me including how I look or how heavy I weigh, how could I let someone just walk all over me without me realizing it. How could I allow someone to just take what was left of me and tear it up more. And what hurts the most is the fact is still hear you telling me that I don’t have to be alone anymore and yet here I am ALONE.

By the end of it all I have lost myself.

What I do not understand is that despite all why the hell do I still feel love for you? No matter how I deduce everything and take out the equation of me and the weight of my sanity it was still all about me loving you wholeheartedly. Do you even know what it’s like to be in my shoes? Have you taken the time to truly understand what life is like for me? do you really know what it was like to be abused and abandoned? Have to cried yourself to sleep everyday for years waiting for some goddamn miracle? Have you waited everyday for someone who will never come back?

I just really wish you did not abandon me. I wish you didn’t let your ego get over everything else because it was what hurt me the most. I know it was never easy to be with me or love me, and I know how you struggled to at least try.  And I’m very thankful, We were both just really bad at this to try to finish the story. We both just didn’t know how to handle each other or deal with each other’s issues to the point that it just broke us even further from each other. I am sorry for everything, for hurting you in ways I couldn’t count and for the days I couldnt be truthful enough to trust you.

We wanted different things, to lead different lives. I know that despite the madness you somehow loved me, and it was the most beautiful thing I have experienced.

I would never wish you ill or harm, But I wish you all the love that you can have, and all the understanding of how the world is. That there are people who isn’t as fortunate as you are and that it’s not our job to change people to place them in pedestals  but it is our job to help them be better. And no matter how much disappointments or hurt we both have cost each other I hope that in the end at back of your head you would still remember the days that we understood how love was and what really mattered. 

           I will always love you. and you will always have the biggest piece of my heart. 


Its never too late be who you are ment to be

I have realized now that I have spent most of my life in fear. Fear of allowing myself complete freedom with abandonment to be who I truly wished to be.

I grew up with a slight mentality that I was never good enough. Not even knowing where that feeling came from, I questioned almost every thing that came my way and if I had the ability to perform in the way I believed others expected me to.

As I have grown older, I have learned that this isn’t the way I should have EVER felt in my life. We should all, most importantly, honor the unique qualities we have within ourselves knowing that with those qualities we can simply change the lives of others-if not, change the world. I admire people who take risks; who live for what they believe; those that recognize their own diversity and encourage, even indirectly, others to live up to their own highest potential.

I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to continue to look deep within myself, connect with who I truly am, and express my uniqueness through creativity. We are all artists painting our own canvasses. We need to embrace one another, support each other, and encourage that creativity to flow.

Never question your inner instincts to create based on what others might think of you or how you might be judged. We are all put here on this Earth at the time that we needed to be here for a reason and if it is my challenge to learn what that reason is, then I accept that challenge and so should you! You are beautiful, you are light, and always remember you are worthy-especially of your OWN love! Who should love you more than yourself?

Take the time to tell yourself how much you believe. Write on your mirror, “I Love You”, so that every day you connect deeper into what/who you truly are. Take the judgment away from yourself and turn the fear into inspiration!

“No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are it is never too late to be who you are meant to be”

Friends with Benefits


Anyone who has ever been single and in need of some sexual healing, has at least at one point considered the idea of kissing or making out with a friend. Friends with benefits can be a tremendous asset to curing one’s lonely, hungry state. You get along, laugh together, like spending time with each other. You can kiss, fool around, even have sex without having to commit… But like in most matters of to the heart: things get complicated.


And that’s exactly why there are rules.

Breaking the rules can lead to disaster of colossal proportions: tears, anger, hurt feelings and the end of a friendship. So, let’s start with the basics. Let’s define a friend with benefits. Firstly, there is a difference between friends with benefits and casual sex partners, but many advice guides tend to ignore this difference and treat the two equally. In my point of encounter with individuals who qualify for the said type of friendship hasnt given me that much of a trouble, Mainly because they were absolutely decent and we had a good thin line to work with. But we can never ever be so still for sure, Its always important that you still look left and right and watch out.. Remember its you who dictates where it all ends.

Defining Friends With Benefits

“Friends with benefits” is a term used to describe a physical and emotional relationship between two people. That relationship may have elements of a sexual or near-sexual nature, however it is understood by both parties that aside from some occasional flirting, touching or hanky panky, there should be no expectations of extra commitment or an official romantic relationship later on. Casual sex on the other hand, has little or no emotional attachment and is based purely on the fulfillment of sexual needs.

Embarking on a “friends with benefits” relationship can be a lot of fun but in order to prevent Hurricane Emotion from wiping out a friendship, here are some rules and pitfalls to consider beforehand.

Insider Tips


Set Rules At The Beginning
As much as we’d love for nature to take its course, a little planning can go a long way.
Rules to consider: where and when it’s okay to make out (at a bar/ in front of friends/at home behind closed doors), what is okay to do (hold hands, sleep over, cuddle), who is allowed to know (no one/closest friends/anyone). By laying out what’s acceptable and what’s not, you are protecting yourself and your FWB from emotional damage in the future.

Do Not Have Expectations
Whether it’s a phone call or sex, it’s better to let things happen when they happen. Expectations can stress a situation, the less you have them, the easier it is to play it cool, have fun and not to interfere with the natural process. The second one of you begins to expect something you didn’t before, one person is bound to bail in fear. All to say, accept what you’ve got and don’t try and push things.

Watch Your Language
Multiple “I love your…” “I love the way you” can begin to sound a lot like I love you. Try not to become an undercover over-lover. Don’t become territorial. REMEMBER you are not his girlfriend.

Know When To Stop
Perhaps you’ve met someone else, want to meet someone else, or the other person is visibly becoming more attached. If you can forsee the end of this relationship approaching, now might be a good time to pull out. Ending things might be difficult at first but it saves a lot of heartache in the future.



Meeting Other People Becomes Harder
Going out to a bar or party with your FWB around shouldn’t but can begin to narrow your opportunity to hook up with other people.  Though you guys are by no means in a relationship, all of a sudden jealousy and confusion are percolating.  That is of course unless you both find someone else. Your best bet is to make an agreement before anything gets out of hand.

The More You Water Them, The More Feelings Grow
There is no doubt that fun and intimacy with a person can develop into feelings, real feelings. The longer you let it go on for, the more likely they are to grow. However, very rarely do feelings builds equally and at the same pace on both sides. Be aware and stay grounded about what’s really going on.

The End Will Come
Unless you realize how madly in love you are with each other, there is a good chance that this relationship will end. And, many FWB relationships end once one person meets someone else. It’s normal for disappointment to prevail initially, but a certain amount of levelheadedness also must be maintained. The best way to make the knock a little softer is to be realistic and honest from the beginning.

These rules probably sound harsh, but if it’s too much, then having a friend with benefits is probably not for you. Many people can get it on and not feel any attachment. Most can’t though, and ist’s a rough game that not everyone can play. Just figure out what you are willing to do and go from there.Understand your relationship will never be the same again. There’s something about seeing another person naked that changes everything. If you value your relationship platonically, be leery of taking it in another direction. Biologically, sex educes hormones in women that creates a sense of happiness and loyalty that can manifest into emotional attachment. Biologically for men, sex educes hormones that put them to sleep. See the difference?

But beyond that it would really depend on how both parties sees things, If after the “sex” the deep friendship still stays then its totally up to you on how you can control your loins, remember that its more important to stay friends rather than to stay as f***** friends

The “Happy Valentines Honey” pressure is on

For quite some time now I have always been having the “Valentine’s Day” pressure from my circle. I don’t really get the point in general however, I get the humor that is enclosed in it.

It just simply means ” Get a  LOVE life Bitch!” or better yet let me give you the real message.. “Get a STRAIGHT Guy Bitch!”

There,…. but even if you all are a bunch of meanies I still Love you all 🙂

Like what I always say, Maybe having a partner is amazing but maybe not everyone needs one after all, So I already pretty much assume that I won’t get a date this valentines day, But I’m fine with that.

On that day I’d just say Happy Valentines!! if you’re not with anyone ……PRETEND you are im sure it wouldn’t be as bad at all.

Happy Birthday Allan! :)

To my dear Allan, Happy 26th birthday. I know i was not there when you all went to bed and partied. Like really that sucked.Becasue while you were on leave I was with your kids.But I still love you and i love all the pasta and other stuff that you make which makes me all the more bloated.

And because you let me put all the olives and capers I want in my pasta 🙂

But then again I could care less.

Happy Birthday.

I only thought love was made of fairytales.

A few people have already read my palm and read my future life through the cards. They all said the same thing.. I have not found the one, I am not sure if life just likes playing jokes on me but the next question or rather statement that they all said after the reading is ” have you ever truly fallen in love? ”

How in the world would you answer that question if you are really not sure?

I remember making posts about falling in and out of love so many times, getting hurt, but somehow in the back of my mind I would ask myself  “when this all goes away will I still think the same way?” or “will I feel the same after this end”. No matter what you do you can never cheat yourself, Thinking that you actually are and getting away with it is total BS. No one can ever do that. Whenever I create posts about the past I get caught in retrospective it, all the emotions all bursts back and its like I could see it just as how it happened. Remembering and feeling those emotions again brings you to a level where you try to hold yourself still for a moment, you try to take control of those emotions. Have you ever burned yourself by accident? what if you suddenly saw someone who accidentally burned themself? Some part of you would feel that or think how it felt when you burned yourself. ( ok ok, maybe you don’t get it ). My friend said I was slightly neurotic and I used to think like this:

clean chalk board = sane students

Ever since I started school at 5 years old I have had an obsession with the teacher erasing the chalk board entirely. Most would rub the eraser around but leave stray lines and continue writing. I would stare at the stray lines and it would drive me crazy the remainder of the class. I would get hot and get headaches. I am 21 years and working, still nothing has changed.

I’m sure everyone else also is part neurotic.

So if they ask me if I have truly fallen love.I guess I should say no. But I do know how it feels to love. And I do know how it feels like to hurt.

The only difference is that I just have never really felt it all completely and it seems as if I start to I would only end up in silence and tears. Maybe that is only what I fear because I do not know what is in store for me, I maybe created with a crazy mind but it does not mean that I am willing to throw myself into the fire for something that I fear maybe irrelevant. Hey I also want to fall head over heels in love, someone once told me that we were created to find our other half . That we were all ment to look for the one who was ment for us the only question I have there is “what if I never find the one who was ment for me?” Am I then ment to eternally stay tormented to the fact that while everyone else goes on with their lives with their ‘destined partner’ I go on with the rest of my created life alone?  I know that everyone has the freedom to choose and because of that I choose to simply just let things go as they normally do with a little caution. Maybe it has something to do with how life taught me that the word ‘love’ was all made up just like fairy tales. That it was made up to make you feel good even if the story had such a tragic ending , that the story was somehow twisted on the right way where it made the tragedy look like it was necessary for the story to end with pleasure.

He told me he loved me, with no questions and no regrets. But he never treated me like such.It was something beautiful but was nothing else except dysfunctional.

I’m not made to be a replacement of something or someone, I was ill with the thought of his coffee laced lips whispering reasons to my ears. Reasons to make the mind change.

I knew I have loved him,

 But I’m not a toy.

So for now things will remain as how it was left. Up until I start seeing things in a whole different view. And yes it was never how it was supposed to be.