This is for you

In case in the future you get to read this, know that I wrote this for you.

Do you still recall the day that you left?

That day that you walked out for good. I still do, It always seems to be as fresh as if it just happened yesterday, I have to admit that compared to anything else in this lifetime that it was the most painful experience in my life. Far more than all the other unfortunate things

So how did you become the factor for the most painful life experience I know?

It was simple, I never allowed myself to be as close to the truth as i did with you and Ironically you left me because of the “truth”

You left me when I didn’t have anything. I was broke, had no job, had a hard time finding a job that would “suit” the preferred lifestyle that you can be proud of, had issues from the past , had to deal with family that was falling apart, couldn’t fit in a specific “mold “that i had to be in, at same time in a dress size i couldn’t achieve.

I hated myself. I couldn’t even grieve or let it all out because I was so spent in everything. I was more of a mess than I ever was – sleepless nights, days where I just want to stay in bed and never go out anymore, sudden unreasonable bursts of tears, agressiveness and anger over so many things and so many people, a developed fear of certain spaces, and spacing out occasionally because I keep on telling myself why couldn’t I just be normal. Hate to say it but I kinda went back to that place of pretending.

I told myself that I must only go out with people who was as messed up as I am with the hopes that maybe they would accept me, only to figure out that I couldn’t do it because I turned into this narcissistic judgemental bitch who overvalued herself. For a lack of a better term I have turned into you.  So for me not to be fully consumed of  what I have turned into I did everything possible I thought was going to teach me how to value and love myself better.

I travelled every chance I could to everywhere I can go, took retreats, took classes, tried to learn new skills, but I stopped. Because doing all of these only enabled me to further cover up the things I didn’t want to deal with or remember. It’s not that I have not moved on, I just have not recovered from it.

On your birthday last year I wanted to throw you a party, one where I wont be in, I tried asking for help from everyone even your closest friends, they either looked at my message with pity or stayed quiet and ignored me as if i did not exist. but that wasn’t what I wanted, they just did not understand why I needed to do it. And from there the feeling of rejection grew even more.  But It did not stop there, There were still the days when your sister would message me, or when I was finally denied of being able to speak to the boys. and of course there is also the case of me being blocked by your mother and everyone else just like that.  At this point I can hear you say “ Joanna why are you forcing yourself to us, Why are you doing this, Why won’t you have decency for yourself?”  And I have this to answer back, If I was forcing myself then you would see me everywhere and I would constantly try to reach you and I never did that not even once.  I have released you as I release myself from the chains that I myself made when I met you. 

You should have just murdered me.- but then again you already did anyway (just not physically.)

It took me several attempts to write this and every single time I would, I had to redo it over and over again. Because the words could never seem to be enough, and the fact that this could be the closest thing possible for me being able to say this all out loud. My most recent trip forced myself to finish this. Because all I did was retrace the steps we took when you brought me there. I went to every place I could remember in the city in hopes of me being able to pick pieces of myself up – in case I lost some of it there. We all cant face our fears if we don’t go through it and quite obviously my idea of fear has become you.

I should now tell you how much damage I gained emotionally and mentally, I thought being called names was one thing but being called out as someone with a mental disorder was another thing, You would always tell me that I was doomed to be like my parents, or that I will be no one, – or at least someone not good enough for anyone’s standard because I don’t have a stellar childhood or because I just didn’t seem to have enough potential for anything – but then again you would always say otherwise when you are in a good mood. Or whenever you would say things so mean and painful that I would be so confused on what I will believe, You have no idea how scared I would be because I really did not know how much more I could take. These words seem to suddenly have a life of its own and turned into a monster that always creeps up behind me to whisper things to my ear. And no matter what you would tell me I would believe it. 

All that I am –  to which every single piece of me you know seemed to be so insignificant with the way you criticise where I came from, my life choices and what I have done in my life like I should have just placed myself in the garbage because I couldn’t do anything right. I don’t even know how many times I had to apologize for being who I am, how many wishes I had to say out to the universe hoping I could have had at least altered some things in my life to be able to be who you wanted me to be.

And all the times I had to beg, – I HAD TO BEG, for you to accept me including how I look or how heavy I weigh, how could I let someone just walk all over me without me realizing it. How could I allow someone to just take what was left of me and tear it up more. And what hurts the most is the fact is still hear you telling me that I don’t have to be alone anymore and yet here I am ALONE.

By the end of it all I have lost myself.

What I do not understand is that despite all why the hell do I still feel love for you? No matter how I deduce everything and take out the equation of me and the weight of my sanity it was still all about me loving you wholeheartedly. Do you even know what it’s like to be in my shoes? Have you taken the time to truly understand what life is like for me? do you really know what it was like to be abused and abandoned? Have to cried yourself to sleep everyday for years waiting for some goddamn miracle? Have you waited everyday for someone who will never come back?

I just really wish you did not abandon me. I wish you didn’t let your ego get over everything else because it was what hurt me the most. I know it was never easy to be with me or love me, and I know how you struggled to at least try.  And I’m very thankful, We were both just really bad at this to try to finish the story. We both just didn’t know how to handle each other or deal with each other’s issues to the point that it just broke us even further from each other. I am sorry for everything, for hurting you in ways I couldn’t count and for the days I couldnt be truthful enough to trust you.

We wanted different things, to lead different lives. I know that despite the madness you somehow loved me, and it was the most beautiful thing I have experienced.

I would never wish you ill or harm, But I wish you all the love that you can have, and all the understanding of how the world is. That there are people who isn’t as fortunate as you are and that it’s not our job to change people to place them in pedestals  but it is our job to help them be better. And no matter how much disappointments or hurt we both have cost each other I hope that in the end at back of your head you would still remember the days that we understood how love was and what really mattered. 

           I will always love you. and you will always have the biggest piece of my heart. 

Holy of the Weeks.

One of the holidays that we observe is the holy week (Maundy Thursday to Easter Sunday) but this time we are supposed to take time to reflect on the life of Jesus and such.

But these days not everyone observes that anymore.

Take my case for instance. Instead of staying in at home or being somewhere. I am at work.

And based on the belief it does not affect me much anymore as well.  I just find it amusing because these are the days where I do not experience excessive traffic because everyone is out of town but at the same time everything is closed.

Nowadays no one really observes these holidays anymore not unless if its for convenience.

Is the world really too busy for these? Or are we just ignoring it all?

Step one : Surrendering to the feeling

tumblr_n7yu600Moo1tef9z3o1_500

 

They say that after a broken heart the best you could do is to “feel everything”

But with each passing night where I would cry I am still very thankful that I would wake up fine in the morning.  If there is one thing I will not change is being hopeful. I have surrendered to the feeling of overwhelming hurt and pain. I don’t want to fight it

I don’t need to fight it.

Take the Risk

My definition of risk taker may be different than yours.

I don’t jump out of planes. I am not a world traveler. And for some reason, my wardrobe is filled with a lot of grey and black (I’m working on this one).

But I definitely believe in emotional risk taking – noticing myself on a daily basis – my challenges, my issues, my triggers.  It’s not always pretty, but I notice.

I watch myself closely.  When I feel fear, anxiety, defensiveness, envy, all the normal human emotions, my first question is, why?  What am I afraid of, what do I think it means, where does it all stem from? And usually the answer goes something like this:  I’m afraid of being rejected. I’m afraid that who I am is wrong. I’m afraid I’ll be alone.

Yikes, and yikes, but that’s usually the bottom-line truth for me.  At the same time, I know it’s not “the truth” at all – these are just old wounds and pain that started as love and got all tangled up in misperception and misunderstanding somewhere along the way.

And then they became fear – fear that who I am is not good enough, fear of being disconnected.

We humans need connection – we want to feel connected to ourselves and others (see me, hear me, love me, and let me do the same for you!), but sometimes, when we are feeling disconnected, we pretend we don’t care, we pretend it doesn’t matter, we pretend it’s somebody else’s fault, we pretend, we pretend, we pretend.

Or, we want the connection so badly, we pretend to be someone that we are not – we say things we don’t believe, we say yes to things we don’t want to do, we pretend social perception is more important than self-respect.

And that pretending is so painful.  It squashes what’s real, it ruins our moments and it gives away our power.  This is what we do when we are not watching ourselves closely; this is what we do when we are moving through life on autopilot.

We have to be brave enough to take risks, and we have to trust that these risks will pay off.  Not because everyone will like it, not because it’s always easy, and not because mistakes will never be made.

images

Risking to be yourself will pay off because you will feel good inside.  You will feel calm, full and intact, rather than empty.  That “hole” you feel inside? That “thing” you think is missing?  That’s just the holey-thing that is trying to remind you to be yourself.  Yourself is trying to help yourself.

And when you are taking the risk to be yourself, you not only feel good, people like your presence.  They may not have words for why they like your presence; you are just a good presence to be around.  So while it’s true that some may no longer “get you”, the ones who do “get you” will like you even more.

So why do risk takers take risks? Because there is a natural high that comes from risk taking – just ask the people who race cars or jump off cliffs.

Just the same, there is a natural high that comes from being vulnerable, taking responsibility, and telling the truth about how we feel or who we are in any given moment.

These are the risks we fear most – but when taken, we experience true connection and the natural high of being alive.

Radical Loving

As you begin to accept yourself totally even those parts of yourself that you judge or think are “bad” will heal in the space of love, compassion, and acceptance.
Judging yourself is easy. But it takes real courage to love yourself radically.

beautiful-beauty-love-quote-typography-Favim_com-208936

To love yourself radically is to not only love just the parts of you that you like, but also the parts that you don’t like.

What parts of yourself have you been judging?
What if you committed to loving that?
What if you committed to loving even the part of you that “can’t” love?

It’s in loving radically that you set yourself free.

It’s time.

Love.Now

Choices

I used to say things like, ” I f I had a choice i do it all, everything..again..”

Words like that do not have any meaning. only just the spur of the moment asking you to say something to try to save whatever it is you are about to lose or whatever you just lost.

Its usually the words that would come after I love you or I cant be with you……

We all have choices, Its never true for us to say that we do not have a choice because we do… Its only a matter of choosing the lesser evil.

We often have problems deciding because we do not know how to contain our emotions, we dont really know how to deal with things that greatly affect our emotions… Sometimes people are trapped in blind love, going through the continued despair of not experiencing reciprocation of their dedication well maybe not just in love but in any other case where we get trapped in our emotions.

The only worst part that could happen is if the other will not or could not understand. Then its another hard phase on asking how you get over things

Im not about to give any advise how to get through  these things I cant do that…At some point whoever you are,whatever you do you will go through these things again and again up until you learn, Does not matter if it turns bad or good it will always be up to you to choose the lesser of 2 evils.