Because you are Incredible

I was reading a book and came across this quote, “Everyone in the world should get a standing ovation at least once in their life because we all overcome the world.” So, here I am, deciding to give standing ovations to all the people and terrible circumstances these people try to overcome in order to keep living their life as best as they can, same as me.

Here’s to the times, when we said goodbye when all we really wanted was “please stay” and we had to give up on someone not because we wanted to but because they did.

Here’s to all the ‘forevers’ that changed to ‘nevers’ in the blink of an eye and all we could do is bite back our tears and smile and accept things as they turned out to be and hope for something better to come along.

Here’s to all the people that we miss so much that in our dreams there is only darkness and their voices, here’s to all the people that we think about but who don’t even appear in our dreams anymore, here’s to the ones who are just memories of memories now.

Here’s to you and to me and a million/billion others who get up every morning and hope that today it will get better even when the odds are always against us, to all of us who know what we deserve but never get it but we still hope that we will because we believe in something greater than fate: Ourselves. And that keeps us going.

Here’s to all those unending dark nights, to the days that passed in the blink of an eye, to the setbacks that knocked you off the knees today or years/months ago, to the times you got back up on your own, to all the tears you didn’t wipe away, to you who keeps searching for all the silver linings in grey clouds.

Here’s to all the times you doubted your choices, to all the times you were afraid of losing precious time of your life, to all the times you felt alive, to all those people that made you glad you were alive to witness that moment.

Here’s to all those moments you sat in exasperation and with hope totally lost, to those times when you needed inspiration that never came, to all those times nothing worked out quite like the way you prayed it will, to all those apologies you never said or got, to all the people that we lost because sometimes you have to lose things to know what they actually meant and to cherish it in your memories and look for something better.

Here’s to all the teachers and parents that never tried to understand you, to all the friends that never quite understood the concept of friendship, to all these people that made you believe that it was your entire fault and you were the “different” one. To you, who bent due to their crossed stares and words but never broke. Never broke.

Here’s to all the love you gave and deserve but never got it in return but you didn’t let these people empty you, to all the forgiveness you gave but never got, to all the second chances that turned to shit because things might’ve been the same but those people changed and you blamed yourself (please don’t).

Here’s to the sufferings, here’s to the pain, which made you stronger and kinder. Here’s to all the people that are holding onto somebody’s who is already gone, who are leaning over the balcony and hoping they will fly, who wake up with tired sighs and eyes, who are surrounded by friends they no longer know, who sit in their worn-out chairs and wait for change to come and take them away from that place.

Here’s to all the adults who are still haunted by things their parents said to them in childhood, to the fights you blocked out with covering your ears, to all the people that give back more kindness to the world than it ever gave them in return.

Here’s to all the people that chose people/things over you, to them teaching you the lesson that you would never do that to someone else, to all those times you felt replaced and forgotten and unimportant and “not good enough” but you accepted it all because you think that that’s just how things are always with you and that’s the way it will be, to you who I’m telling this to you: It IS NOT like that with you. You don’t deserve to be replaced, forgotten, unimportant and not good enough.

To you, who is IRREPLACEABLE, UNFORGETTABLE, IMPORTANT AND GOOD ENOUGH. Yes, you are. Please don’t forget that or let somebody convince you that you aren’t. You deserve a standing ovation for being alive and for being you, however you are or how’ve you been, whatever you’ve done or never found the courage to do, for getting through whatever people did to you, for everything. Here’s to you, darling. I hope you know how awesome you are and how much more awesome you can be

Please do not wait for the one who will NEVER Love you back

The guy that keeps you up at night, the one you have waited years for and who hasn’t said “I love you” for months now, is never going to.

He is always there, floating through your mind aimlessly, as if he were a part of your limbic system. He touched every skin cell on your body, and your lips can still feel the vibrations of his lips moving against yours. Your hair can still feel the soft touch of his hand when he pushed a piece back behind your ear. Your hands still feel the stronger, bigger fingers of his intertwining with your tiny ones. Your eyes still see him smiling brightly at you, forever etched in your memory.

Sometimes you think you are done waiting. You realize that maybe it wasn’t fate, and that maybe you can move on. And suddenly you are transported back to desperate eyes, tangled sheets and clothes on his bedroom floor.

The visions are so clear and the sounds are so close, you try to reach out and touch him for a second. But, he isn’t there anymore. He never will be there again.

Still, you wait because you think maybe, just maybe he will come back to you. Maybe you’ll hear him whisper ” I love you” even just once.

But at a certain point, when the rain stops and the sun starts to peak out from the dark clouds that like to weigh on you, you realize that you have to stop waiting. You need to remind yourself of who you were before you met him. You need to remind yourself that you have a purpose and you are worthy of living. You don’t have to forget him, but you have to put yourself first instead of letting the past of him erase your future. Don’t let him erase you, don’t let him waste your precious days that belong to you, not him. 

You are more important that the guy who broke your heart. You are more important than the memories of him.

And one day when you finally realize that, you won’t feel any pain. One day, you’ll hear that song and not want to turn it off. One day, you’ll finally be done waiting. And you’ll start living.

I hope you choose this

I hope you choose kindness. Even when others are being cruel. When someone asks you to give them your heart all warm and full of trust, and they give you something makeshift and full of barbed wire in return: be kind. Some people need to feel your heart wrap around them more than you know.

I hope you choose empathy. Even when you don’t want to. When someone gives you reasons to judge them, to dislike them; when they behave in ways that you do not understand: be empathetic. Some people need you to walk a mile in their shoes.

I hope you choose calm. Even when you’re in the midst of chaos. When someone upends your world, and the rest of the world feels utterly upside down: be calm. Some people need you to be their safe haven.

I hope you choose peace. Even when wars rage within and around you. When someone tries to take you to battle, when it feels like your character and choices are under siege: be peaceful. Some people need your help learning to let go.

I hope you choose trust. Even in the face of falsehoods. When someone has dishonored you, when they have lied to you, when someone has made you feel small; remember that not everyone will do these same things: be trusting. Some people need you to take leaps of faith.

I hope you choose patience. Even when you are overwhelmed by unknowns. When someone cannot give you answers, when you begin to wonder why you’re here, when you simply want to give up: be patient. Some people are truly worth the wait.

I hope you choose love. Even when it would be easier to hate.

When someone stirs white-hot rage within you, when they insult you, when they question your worth: be loving. Some people need your love more than you do.

Parallels and Life Choices

Because you treat me as though I matter. As if my opinions and everything I want is somehow significant to you too. And that’s what love is.

But I can’t tell you I love you.

When I’m with you, it feels like the everything fits, I feel safe, the world doesn’t suck, idiots will be part of the amusement. I wouldn’t and I cannot give that up for anything in this world.

And when people ask me if I’m in love with you I tell them no. Because I don’t want to be the cause of losing you. Even though we somehow mean something to each other, it doesn’t mean that we need to be together. That’s when the lines of loving someone and being in love with someone are blurred. And my lines with you are as blurry as lines can get.

You make me a better person. How do you let go of someone who makes you wiser, waaay more smarter, brings out more of your creative juices and introduces you better to you? I couldn’t and I won’t. I know its all messed up, love isn’t everything and love doesn’t pay the bills, but love can do a lot. It brings out the best and the worst in people. I’m sorry I couldn’t be as inspiring for you because at times I am a bigger headache and tend to be the bigger baby but despite that I will always do everything to keep you going when you are down and confused in life,

You know I will always have your back.

We’ve had our share of misunderstandings and bad days, but who doesn’t? Everybody does. There is one thing which we have and others don’t: trust. I know for a fact you trust me as blindly as I trust you. Despite the occasional bullshit and lies in an attempt to compartmentalise thoughts and situations and logically assess things We have never doubted our loyalties toward one another, it’s the kind where no one is capable of measuring. This isn’t something every friendship enjoys. So don’t forget the things that matter.

Sometimes we’re meant to meet someone who makes us learn what love is again but not get to be with that person. And it’s OK.

We can learn so much from each other but only if we keep it to the capacity that it. And I’m not fully sure risking everything to tell you my feelings would be the smartest because I don’t feel as though we’re on the same page. And that’s OK. It’s OK to not be exactly at the same moments in life. It’s OK to not feel the same kind of attraction. But let me tell you something, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done to keep my mouth shut about this, And now I am writing this to completely diffuse it because it is more important that we nurture and protect the friendship more as grown mature individuals who value and respect each other.

And because we know better how to deal with this.

So our future looks like this. We keep things the way it is. Because even though I want to love you, I am nowhere near ready to. And while I’m taking my time to get ready to love, you have someone else or might meet someone else. You might meet them and love them more than you could ever love me. And they’ll love you just as much.

But don’t ever feel sorry for me. Never feel like I’ve lost out because I’ve never gotten to love you in that way. Because the love that I’ve gotten from this is so much better. You have shown me that people like you exist and that makes me fair better off than most.

And if we ever did cross paths as lovers instead of friends, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

All I know is this; as long as you exist in my world, I’ll be happy, we will be happy

No matter what capacity.

Being The “Convenience Friend”

No, you’re not the only one.

Being the convenience friend is hard. It is not something that is easy at any point in life and it often becomes a waiting game. You always wonder why you are not good enough for them. You do everything under the sun to show that you care. Then you watch them do things for everyone else but you and it hurts.

Sometimes you actually have set plans and then they cancel at the last second with a poor excuse because they are feeling too lazy, or found something better to do. Yet, for some reason (which I will get to/explain later), you still cherish the time you have with that person and crave to hang out with them. It seems like they’re having the best time ever with you when you two do hang out and yet, you still feel like you’re put last.

What does it mean to be a “convenience friend”?

My definition of being the convenience friend is always wanting to hang out with a friend who, it seems, puts everything and everyone else before you. However, when no one can hang out, or they need someone to go somewhere or do something with them and no one else can, they contact you. They hang out with you when it’s convenient for them. Granted, things get busy sometimes, but when it happens when things are not, then you know you have taken on the role. Especially if you swallow your feelings and always say, “It’s okay, next time.”

They’re only nice when it’s convenient

Have you noticed sweet behavior is always followed by a request? Beware of any people, romantic partners or not, who are only thoughtful when they want to borrow something or ask you for a favor. Oftentimes, once they get what they want, they’ll give you the cold shoulder.

Your friends and family are concerned

Sometimes the people we love notice things before we do. And more often than not, those closest to you will be more perceptive because they don’t have your romantic blinders on. You might be too into the person you’re dating to notice the flaws, but listen to your friends if they warn you — they’re probably speaking up for a good reason.

Confronting the issue.

I generally don’t. For me personally, it has happened so often that I just understand how it goes and don’t let it get to me as much as I used to. However, it is not a bad idea to confront it. If they are truly your good friend, they will hear you out and understand. Hopefully, they’ll do something to change it. However, if they have negative feedback and make you feel bad about it then BYE.

Are they doing it on purpose?

No. Absolutely not. – Or Maybe? Everyone has a different situation. Some are actually so busy they don’t even realize it, and others just don’t see that they’re doing it to you. It’s also possible that they are just so full of themselves or maybe they just have too much bullshit going on. In my opinion, it’s not an intentional thing to do to someone.

But then again maybe that’s just something that they are used to do, simple warning signs like “ I don’t pay for anything” kind of words or concepts that seem questionable are somethings that you have to look out for.

Should you stop being friends with them?

Not necessarily. Just don’t circle your life around them. Hang out with them when you can, but don’t be surprised or upset if plans fall through again. Also, absolutely do NOT wait around for them to contact you first. It will not happen. If you have to swallow your pride once in a while to contact them first, it’s okay. Just don’t be the one to do it every single time. They need to initiate too.

And if they never ever actually reach out to you, then that’s when you shouldn’t waste your breath anymore.

Are you the only “victim”?

Nope. In fact, the people to whom you are the convenience friend, are most likely the convenience friend for someone else. Unfortunately, that’s just how it goes. It’s the circle of social life, children. There are also a million other people going through this all the time. You will probably find one of them someday and both be so sick of being the convenience friend that you will become best friends and won’t put each other in the “convenience” zone. That’s what luckily happened to me at least. So, there is hope.

Why do we put ourselves through it?

Because we’re human. We always long for acceptance. And when we don’t get it from someone like we want to, we do whatever it takes to get it sometimes. We live to please and unfortunately we are too busy trying to make others happy we forget about ourselves and our happiness.

So the moral of all this is that you’re worth more than waiting around for someone who doesn’t always come around, and do NOT let it affect your self-worth. I repeat: they’re not doing it to hurt you. I don’t want to make the people who do this look like the bad guys. I’m sure I’ve even done it without realizing it, and I’m sure you have too. So open your eyes to this stuff and see what’s going on, because you never know how it will affect someone

Things to Remember When Life No Longer Excites You

Once upon a time, there was a girl who could do anything in the world she wanted.  All she had to do was choose something and focus.  So one day she sat down in front of a blank canvas and began to paint.  Every stroke was more perfect than the next, slowly and gracefully converging to build a flawless masterpiece.  And when she eventually finished painting, she stared proudly at her work and smiled.

It was obvious to the clouds and the stars, who were always watching over her, that she had a gift.  She was an artist.  And she knew it too.  She felt it in every fiber of her being.  But a few moments after she finished painting, she got anxious and quickly stood up.  Because she realized that while she had the ability to do anything in the world she wanted to do, she was simply spending her time moving paint around on a piece of canvas.

She felt like there was so much more in the world to see and do – so many options.  And if she ultimately decided to do something else with her life, then all the time she spent painting would be a waste.  So she glanced at her masterpiece one last time, and walked out the door into the moonlight.  And as she walked, she thought, and then she walked some more.

While she was walking, she didn’t notice the clouds and the stars in the sky who were trying to signal her, because she was preoccupied with an important decision she had to make.  She had to choose one thing to do out of all the possibilities in the world.  Should she practice medicine?  Or design buildings?  Or teach children?  She was utterly stumped.

Years later, the girl began to cry.  Because she realized she had been walking for so long, and that over the years she had become so enamored by everything that she could do – the endless array of possibilities – that she hadn’t done anything meaningful at all.  And she learned, at last, that life isn’t about possibility – anything is possible.  Life is about making a decision – deciding to do something that moves you.

So the girl, who was no longer a girl, purchased some canvas and paint from a local craft store, drove to a nearby park, and began to paint.  One stroke gracefully led into the next just as it had so many moons ago.  And as she smiled, she continued painting through the day and into the night.  Because she had finally made a decision.  And there was still some time left to revel in the magic that life is all about.

But, but (there’s always a “but”)…

There’s more to life than just following your passion, right?

Absolutely.  For instance, not all passions earn an income, at least not in the near-term.  And most of us have families to care for, mouths to feed, and bills to pay.  So yes, there needs to be more than just passion.

But there ALSO needs to be some passion too! The key is to realize it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

When you discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy and excitement – something that truly matters to you – care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life, even if you can only spare a little time on the side.  And if you find that you don’t have any time at all for what matters to you, stop doing things that don’t…like watching another TV program or getting lost stalking people on social media. Be intentional about how you spend your time.

In the end, purpose is the reason you journey, and passion is the fire that lights your way.  Without passion, it’s impossible to progress in life.  The heart of human excellence begins to beat when you discover a pursuit, big or small, that absorbs you, frees you, challenges you, and gives you a sense of meaning.  So remember, if there was ever a day to follow your heart and do something small that matters to you, that day is today.

Here are some little things worth remembering:

1. A big part of your life is a result of the choices you make.  And if you don’t like your life – if it completely lacks excitement and passion – it’s time to start making changes and better choices.
2. Life is to be enjoyed, not endured.
3. There is good reason why you should wake each morning and mindfully consider what and who you will give your day to.  Because unlike other things in life – money, entertainment, obligations, etc. – time is the one thing you can never get back once it’s gone.
4. It’s not what you say, but how you spend your time.  If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way.  If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.
5. Your passion is an inherent part of you.  Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.  Nothing you have that much passion for is ever a waste of time, no matter how it turns out in the long run.
6. When you focus your heart and mind upon a meaningful purpose, and commit yourself to fulfill that purpose a little bit every day, positive energy gradually floods into your life.
7. We have to stop telling ourselves that other people are our reason for being unhappy, unfulfilled, etc.  They aren’t in the long run.
8. The more we fill our lives with genuine passion and purpose the less time and energy we’ll waste looking for approval and admiration from everyone else.
9. Your body may eventually grow tired, you may lie awake some nights listening to your past regrets, you may miss your only love, you may see the world around you overcome by negativity, or know your respect has been trampled on by unfriendly faces.  There is only one thing for healing that works every time – to rediscover what excites you and then dive deeper into it.  That’s the only positive effort that a battered mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or doubt, and never dream of regretting.

Afterthoughts… On Being Passionate

Passion is the secret ingredient that has kept me going through some of the most painful times of my life.  Because at some point, especially when the going gets tough, you have to wonder what you’re doing and why.

Over the years, I’ve questioned myself and given myself a thousand little reasons to keep working on life but it always comes back to where it started – it comes down to my core passion to explore life’s challenges, study them, and write about them.

What distinguishes many of us who are actively pursuing a small piece of our dreams from those of us on the couch is that some of us have learned the hard way – perhaps through a severe loss or crisis – that life is short, and that we must capitalize on the priceless opportunities each day gives us, on the raw potential our minds and bodies are capable of, and on every ounce of willpower we can muster to make our journeys worthwhile.

Of course, we can’t do it all and we can’t have it all.  Sometimes we have to say no to good things to be able to say yes to the most important things.  Sometimes we have to take little risks with our time and energy.  But in life, if you don’t risk anything, you risk everything.

So go head and take a little risk today.

Feel some passion.

Discover love.

Run free.

And revel in the magic that life is all about.

Adulting and Drinking

You fucking finally graduated.

And it’s off to the real world. You’re learning how to navigate and make it on your own but still learning how to enjoy yourself. The way you might have enjoyed your four-day college weekends was (over) indulging in some alcoholic beverages. But now you’re trying to be a responsible human being, so day drinking isn’t as acceptable as it was before. So, now that you’re an “adult” here’s how to drink like one:

NO MORE SHITTY ALCOHOL

You don’t have to live like that anymore. You’re an adult or at least trying to be one. Gone are the days where you should buy the cheap stuff because who turns down two handles of gross vodka for cheap? Adding the sweetest fruit punch you can find will mask the terrible scent, but you can do better. If you’re a fan of dark liquor, then Jameson isn’t too pricey, or if you’re a vodka person say hello to Antonov and Tosca.

ACTUALLY, DRINK WHAT YOU LIKE

Jungle juice is fun AF in highshool because it gets you there quick. But it tastes gross, and peer pressure will have you chugging it Thursday through Saturday. But once you walk across that stage, it’s time to start drinking like someone who just overpaid for a degree. One of the biggest pros of networking is the open bar situation. The potential baes and job leads are cool, but the alcohol is a major benefit. This is also the chance to try different drinks without being judged. Feel like having a white wine spritzer? Do it. Wanna drink Moscato because some fancy ass person name dropped it? Do it.

INVEST IN THE RIGHT GLASSWARE

We love solo cups just as much as the next millennial, but having proper glassware is dope. If you bring a girl over to your crib and she asks for a vodka lemonade, handing it to her in your alma mater’s mug isn’t cool. All you need are a few old fashion glasses, shot glasses for when the boys are in town and wine glasses to make your parents think you’re finally getting your life together.

LEARN TO PACE YOURSELF

Drinking to purely get drunk isn’t cool anymore. I mean it is, but only if you had a tough week at work. And chances are you’ll have plenty of those as a newfound member of the workforce, but learn control. After you actually find something you like, your goal is to enjoy the said beverage, not to just get drunk. So instead of walking around with a handle of Stoli, just sip on that whiskey and ginger. Try to limit yourself to one drink every 30-45 minutes or even remember to drink a glass of water in between drinks.

EAT… A LOT

Remember that guy from freshman bandcamp who passed out after doing too many keg stands because all he ate all day was a shitty caesar salad from the campus dinner because he was trying cut weight? Yeah, don’t be that person. Carb load before, during and after drinking.

 Trust me it helps.

This is for you

In case in the future you get to read this, know that I wrote this for you.

Do you still recall the day that you left?

That day that you walked out for good. I still do, It always seems to be as fresh as if it just happened yesterday, I have to admit that compared to anything else in this lifetime that it was the most painful experience in my life. Far more than all the other unfortunate things

So how did you become the factor for the most painful life experience I know?

It was simple, I never allowed myself to be as close to the truth as i did with you and Ironically you left me because of the “truth”

You left me when I didn’t have anything. I was broke, had no job, had a hard time finding a job that would “suit” the preferred lifestyle that you can be proud of, had issues from the past , had to deal with family that was falling apart, couldn’t fit in a specific “mold “that i had to be in, at same time in a dress size i couldn’t achieve.

I hated myself. I couldn’t even grieve or let it all out because I was so spent in everything. I was more of a mess than I ever was – sleepless nights, days where I just want to stay in bed and never go out anymore, sudden unreasonable bursts of tears, agressiveness and anger over so many things and so many people, a developed fear of certain spaces, and spacing out occasionally because I keep on telling myself why couldn’t I just be normal. Hate to say it but I kinda went back to that place of pretending.

I told myself that I must only go out with people who was as messed up as I am with the hopes that maybe they would accept me, only to figure out that I couldn’t do it because I turned into this narcissistic judgemental bitch who overvalued herself. For a lack of a better term I have turned into you.  So for me not to be fully consumed of  what I have turned into I did everything possible I thought was going to teach me how to value and love myself better.

I travelled every chance I could to everywhere I can go, took retreats, took classes, tried to learn new skills, but I stopped. Because doing all of these only enabled me to further cover up the things I didn’t want to deal with or remember. It’s not that I have not moved on, I just have not recovered from it.

On your birthday last year I wanted to throw you a party, one where I wont be in, I tried asking for help from everyone even your closest friends, they either looked at my message with pity or stayed quiet and ignored me as if i did not exist. but that wasn’t what I wanted, they just did not understand why I needed to do it. And from there the feeling of rejection grew even more.  But It did not stop there, There were still the days when your sister would message me, or when I was finally denied of being able to speak to the boys. and of course there is also the case of me being blocked by your mother and everyone else just like that.  At this point I can hear you say “ Joanna why are you forcing yourself to us, Why are you doing this, Why won’t you have decency for yourself?”  And I have this to answer back, If I was forcing myself then you would see me everywhere and I would constantly try to reach you and I never did that not even once.  I have released you as I release myself from the chains that I myself made when I met you. 

You should have just murdered me.- but then again you already did anyway (just not physically.)

It took me several attempts to write this and every single time I would, I had to redo it over and over again. Because the words could never seem to be enough, and the fact that this could be the closest thing possible for me being able to say this all out loud. My most recent trip forced myself to finish this. Because all I did was retrace the steps we took when you brought me there. I went to every place I could remember in the city in hopes of me being able to pick pieces of myself up – in case I lost some of it there. We all cant face our fears if we don’t go through it and quite obviously my idea of fear has become you.

I should now tell you how much damage I gained emotionally and mentally, I thought being called names was one thing but being called out as someone with a mental disorder was another thing, You would always tell me that I was doomed to be like my parents, or that I will be no one, – or at least someone not good enough for anyone’s standard because I don’t have a stellar childhood or because I just didn’t seem to have enough potential for anything – but then again you would always say otherwise when you are in a good mood. Or whenever you would say things so mean and painful that I would be so confused on what I will believe, You have no idea how scared I would be because I really did not know how much more I could take. These words seem to suddenly have a life of its own and turned into a monster that always creeps up behind me to whisper things to my ear. And no matter what you would tell me I would believe it. 

All that I am –  to which every single piece of me you know seemed to be so insignificant with the way you criticise where I came from, my life choices and what I have done in my life like I should have just placed myself in the garbage because I couldn’t do anything right. I don’t even know how many times I had to apologize for being who I am, how many wishes I had to say out to the universe hoping I could have had at least altered some things in my life to be able to be who you wanted me to be.

And all the times I had to beg, – I HAD TO BEG, for you to accept me including how I look or how heavy I weigh, how could I let someone just walk all over me without me realizing it. How could I allow someone to just take what was left of me and tear it up more. And what hurts the most is the fact is still hear you telling me that I don’t have to be alone anymore and yet here I am ALONE.

By the end of it all I have lost myself.

What I do not understand is that despite all why the hell do I still feel love for you? No matter how I deduce everything and take out the equation of me and the weight of my sanity it was still all about me loving you wholeheartedly. Do you even know what it’s like to be in my shoes? Have you taken the time to truly understand what life is like for me? do you really know what it was like to be abused and abandoned? Have to cried yourself to sleep everyday for years waiting for some goddamn miracle? Have you waited everyday for someone who will never come back?

I just really wish you did not abandon me. I wish you didn’t let your ego get over everything else because it was what hurt me the most. I know it was never easy to be with me or love me, and I know how you struggled to at least try.  And I’m very thankful, We were both just really bad at this to try to finish the story. We both just didn’t know how to handle each other or deal with each other’s issues to the point that it just broke us even further from each other. I am sorry for everything, for hurting you in ways I couldn’t count and for the days I couldnt be truthful enough to trust you.

We wanted different things, to lead different lives. I know that despite the madness you somehow loved me, and it was the most beautiful thing I have experienced.

I would never wish you ill or harm, But I wish you all the love that you can have, and all the understanding of how the world is. That there are people who isn’t as fortunate as you are and that it’s not our job to change people to place them in pedestals  but it is our job to help them be better. And no matter how much disappointments or hurt we both have cost each other I hope that in the end at back of your head you would still remember the days that we understood how love was and what really mattered. 

           I will always love you. and you will always have the biggest piece of my heart. 

Holy of the Weeks.

One of the holidays that we observe is the holy week (Maundy Thursday to Easter Sunday) but this time we are supposed to take time to reflect on the life of Jesus and such.

But these days not everyone observes that anymore.

Take my case for instance. Instead of staying in at home or being somewhere. I am at work.

And based on the belief it does not affect me much anymore as well.  I just find it amusing because these are the days where I do not experience excessive traffic because everyone is out of town but at the same time everything is closed.

Nowadays no one really observes these holidays anymore not unless if its for convenience.

Is the world really too busy for these? Or are we just ignoring it all?

Step one : Surrendering to the feeling

 

They say that after a broken heart the best you could do is to “feel everything”

But with each passing night where I would cry I am still very thankful that I would wake up fine in the morning.  If there is one thing I will not change is being hopeful. I have surrendered to the feeling of overwhelming hurt and pain. I don’t want to fight it

I don’t need to fight it.